Dear Katrine,

Like me coming to visit him on his birthday in June is a clear date, but he’s not sure how much time they will give him off (he’s hoping for two days) so we can’t really plan anything until we know exactly when which I don’t like.

He should ask them for at least 2 days off when you visit him, otherwise it may happen he will be working all day and won’t be able to spend much time with you. I think he should be able to ask for those 2 days, and not depend on their mercy.

I think he struggles with that too. Like I told him several times to talk to a manager about the head chef and he never did. Or try to get him to ask for shifts in reception when they needed it before giving those shifts t someone else. But it easy for me to say cuz I’m exactly the same and I’m still struggeling to set boundaries myself.

Yeah it seems he has a problem to stand up for himself and say No at work. Or to express what he wants (e.g. to get easier shifts when possible).

He wrote me yesterday to check up on how I was doing and so that felt good

Good, I am glad he wrote to you without being prompted by you.

I think that working in the kitchen that long has hurt his mental health more than he’s willing to say.

Possibly… because working 72-hr weeks under a person who is suffering from behavioral problems (or even mental illness) is a huge burden. If he has low self-esteem, then being exposed to that kind of harassment (being put down, not allowed to use the bathroom etc) can cause him to feel ever worse about himself, to take things to heart and believe that he is not good enough. So yeah, it probably affected him a lot…

We had problems with him yesterday, he made the new chef cry then kicked him out of the kitchen. Then I got kicked out and a collegue for trying to check up on the delayed food orders

I really don’t understand why they are still keeping the head chef, even though he is harassing the staff. Is he really that irreplaceable?

Also I don’t think that he has been in a relationship before, and maybe doesn’t know quite how to comminicate (like myself)

Well, it’s good he is reaching out to you, it’s not just you initiating contact. This shows he is interested in the relationship with you, it’s just that he has too much on his plate (partly due to his inability to set boundaries). I hope you’ll be able to talk to him about all this when you meet. Perhaps you can encourage him to ask for 2 days off for his birthday, and see what he says.

I have been really exhausted lately so put it aside but I want to contact the therapist soon because she seems really good. It will have o be online and i’m not very technical but we will figure it out I think.

Yes, do that, and don’t worry, you’ll figure out the technology part!