Dear Dafne,

thank you for your kind words.

I understand you feel lonely and would like to have a man in your life. But not any man. You yourself said you want a decent, honest man, who wants a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, and whose intention is not to take advantage of you. You want him to see you as a person and appreciate you. You don’t want him to use you for selfish reasons, such as sex or care-taking, help in the household and such.

I think the first thing would be to tell yourself that you deserve such a man. That you don’t need to settle for bread crumbs. For men who will use you and discard you. You need to have self-respect, so that men will respect you too. If you chase lousy men, then good, solid men won’t be able to find you. That’s the “cab light” principle that Anna Runkle was talking about in the video I sent you.

Honestly, I think this man is in the “lousy” category, since he is interested in sex only. I am glad you didn’t give in to his demands and that you kept your boundaries. So you did show self-respect, which is good!

I understand you want to try once again, even though I believe it’s not a good idea. But if you contact him, don’t allow by any means to be manipulated into going to his apartment first. If he suggests that, refuse. For that, you can use the wording I already gave you.

As for the message you want to send him now, you can say something like “Hey [his name], how have you been? You mentioned last time that you’re interested in going for a walk or a yoga class with me. Do you have time for that this week? Let me know…”

I’ll try to follow the coach you recommend me and heal my heart first.

That’s a good decision, and the best path if you want to find true love. It won’t be quick though, because healing is a process. But so is finding a good man. However, if you have self-respect and are able to keep your standards, I am sure such a man will show up.

I think that for starters you may want to write down on a piece of paper what exactly you want from a man. That’s what Anna Runkle suggests too in her dating course. As an example, you can write something like I wrote above:

“I want a decent, honest man, who wants a committed relationship, hopefully marriage, and whose intention is not to take advantage of me. I want him to see me as a person and appreciate me. I don’t want him to use me for selfish reasons, such as sex or care-taking or help in the household.”

Write down your own version of this, and keep it as a reminder. Don’t settle for less than someone who respects you.

Dear Dafne, I am very glad I helped you clarify some of the confusion and keep a positive attitude. I am rooting for you and am here, if you need help.

Let me know how he responded to the text, if you choose to send it…