Dear Anita,

“It was the opposite of being unseen…”

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience of what therapy can do. When I read this portion of your description it hit me, I think this is exactly what really drove me to tell my parents I needed therapy, I was just deeply craving to be seen. In highschool I was bullied in a way that others could not see. I played soccer, and was very good, I made varsity at a large school my sophomore year. At the start I got along great with the other girls, but then the seniors hazed the newcomers by driving us blind folded in a car up a spiral parking garage. The “hazing” was all in good fun, I was with some fellow teammates and didn’t fear harm, but I had to leave the sleepover early because the driving did make me terribly motion sick. One of the girls in the group who were hazed with me, told the principal about the experience, leading to the seniors to be suspended for the first three games of the season. Because I went home early, they all thought it was me, the girl who really did it stayed silently by as I took the hit. I was ignored, they would stop whispering once I came over, they would not pass the ball to me even if I was part of the play. What makes it all worse is I had no idea they thought I “tattled,” I had no idea why they went from friends to bullies, I lost so much confidence in my ability to play soccer and who I was socially. They made me feel awkward and I was UNSEEN completely. Then I would go home to my dad who also could not see me. I needed therapy, being unseen is, I believe, genuinely dangerous.

“I was curious about you. I was also saddened at the time that you received angry replies”

This makes me feel validated that they were not helpful replies. I came here to feel seen and those responses made me feel the opposite, but I didn’t know why and thought maybe my concerns were too minuscule to be acknowledged.

“growing up, you had an insecure father and an insecure mother. In my mind’s eye, I see the mirror facing the girl that you were: I see her unsteady on her feet because she has no solid ground to stand on. Or depend on. A child needs strong, secure, solid parents”

Can two insecure parents raise a secure child? Being insecure is a place I really do not like to be, my ground literally shakes and I feel paralyzed in my abilities to decide and even socialize. I want to be secure, and I know there will always be doses of insecurity in life but I do wish I was more sure of myself than I am right now.

” “My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic…”-  emotionally, he is stuck in the narcissistic development stage of childhood, toddler age: me! mine! “

My dad came to where I live this weekend because he had a golf tournament with some friends. We were able to squeeze some time in together. He has changed his view of me a drastic amount within one year. When we had a heart to heart over Christmas, it was the first time I had ever been emotionally real with him, it just took me until then to be able to. For the second time in my life (first was when my mom cheated on him) I witnessed tears in his eyes and felt his emotions. He wasn’t able to express his emotions very articulately but he allowed himself to feel them. This meant so much to me, and ever since then I have just wanted more. He visited me after I moved here around my birthday in April this year, we spent a touching weekend together where we just genuinely enjoyed eachothers company. We would have glimpses of this when I lived with him too, we both liked topics of philosophy and would talk for hours. This weekend I only got a small hour or so with him alone and in that small time he got teary eyed again, I could tell he was trying to hide it, and he told me he was proud of me. He genuinely asked me questions about myself while actually genuinely listening, I feel he may be beginning to see me. He asked me how I turned from a jock to an artist, actress and working in an art gallery, he really wanted to know and this is what made him emotional as if he recognized that there was a huge part of who I was that he missed, did not see, while I grew up. This is the first year of my life where he is changing and I think he is beginning to unsee what he thought of me that I was selfish and egocentric. Does this all mean he is growing up from a narcissistic development stage of childhood? I still though have a fear he will revert back and see me how he did up till a year ago.

“the girl that you were hyper-vigilantly cleaned etc., so to please the.. BIG, Dangerous Toddler (BDT), so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum and shake the ground you were standing on.”

How do I undo this trauma response? Is it simply how you would end a bad habit by forcing yourself to not give in until the reaction/impulse is gone?

Thank you again for your response, I am learning about myself that I desire the self improvement, but it is something I need to take a break from on weekends so that I am not constantly in my head thinking. So I will likely not respond on weekends, just to let you know 🙂