Anita,

Thank you for acknowledging what I went through in highschool.

“my goodness, for crying out loud … Basically, you were bullied on your first thread.”

Unfortunately the response felt normal to me, but at the same time not what I expected from reading the forums and seeing people being heard and given insight.

I like your principle of “Do no harm,” just hearing you say there are responses you have regretted on here, and witnessing how it makes me feel to receive a response like I did, I will be careful myself.

“it takes a village, like the saying goes. Let’s help each other best we can to feel more secure… in the insecure world we live in.”

This idea of needing community, a village, has never felt more real to me than this year. Moving away from my family in Washington, I have lots of uncles, aunts, and cousins that support me, leaving this for Arizona has made me realize how important community really is. I really want to find that for myself long term.

“His behavior during that one hour, in those circumstances (a golf tournament with friends) is not an indication of how he’d behave in normal circumstances on the long-run”

I did fear this. He was drinking and of course on vacation so I was getting his most low inhibitions self. He works in finances and holds large amounts of money for people and invests it for them, so I can imagine he needs to know how to get people to trust him. My loved ones are my weakness when it comes to reading people, because I want it so bad. When he asked me how I switched from a “jock” to an artist, and I told him I think I was an artist trying to be a jock, he got emotional and that seemed to me he was emotional about the fact he realizes he didn’t see me before. But this could all be very wishful thinking. He does see a therapist, and has since the divorce, it is actual his couples therapist that is his current one… it’s all very strange to me, that he has therapy yet doesn’t seem to be becoming more aware. The therapist is someone who took my dads side in the divorce, my mom says she always felt that woman did not like her and found her texting my dad once, while they were on a vacation that the therapist recommended, to try and reconcile the marriage.

“lessening and enduring emotional discomfort and not expecting perfect execution or linear progress.”

This is something I will be keeping in mind, thank you. Might become a sticky note quote -by Anita, haha.

” I think that taking an actual break (not a breakup) for long-enough will take care of your current heightened distress level and will open your heart and mind to feeling way better about him and about yourself.”

This is something I have considered several times. I have brought it up to my partner twice, and it sacred him both times and he quickly said no, that he did not want that. Now that you also know of his fear to be given the silent treatment, this is a reason I have hesitated to initiate a break, because I don’t want to trigger him in this way. I don’t want him to pull away from me and I certainly don’t want to be dating other people.

“…except for the quick and relatively easy, short-term solution of breaking up with him. A solution I imagine that you will regret on the long-term”

Exactly, sometimes I wonder if I can see into potential futures… or I just overthink so much that I trick myself into thinking that. Because it’s like I can see myself breaking up with him, exactly how it would happen, an impulse. I can see it relieving me for a while, but then, by the time I healed he would have closed his heart to me and forever be the one that got away. I can see myself wanting to be with someone else that has triggers as well, to make myself feel better, I would have someone to help, and less pressure to heal myself quickly before I ruin the relationship. But then I would eventually heal and outgrow that person, unless we healed together, but it’s much harder to predict other people. I then think, how powerful relationship with my current partner would be if we helped each other heal and stuck around to do so,, however this thought gives me some commitment fear, I think, and is where the voice of doubt chimes in, asking me “but is he the one you want a powerful relationship with, what if there is someone better suited.” I think that last one is the most superficial of all the thoughts, but it ties a bow on that whole thought spiral and I then feel stuck and indecisive.

You need your distress level- over days and weeks- to get lower first, so that you can think clearly and come up with reasonable, effective long-term solutions.

Back to taking a break, I have contemplated this for a year now, and I think a year been in this distress. I talked to one of my Aunts about this, her relationship with my uncle is the only relationship in my life I look up to. Her input was a break as well, as that also worked for her relationship early on. Now you bringing this up as well, I think I have been running from this idea and thought moving out would be enough. I just moved out two weeks and and thought I would see if that helps before taking a break, but honestly it is what I want and know I need. I just don’t know how to present it to him without losing him?

I appreciate you Anita,

Sending good vibrations 🙂