Dear Dafne,

thank you so much for your good wishes and your empathy <3

I can understand what you’re going through. For me it was also a mixture of health related issues, emotional struggles with the past & fears for the future.

Yes, exactly! Health issues brought about the emotional struggle and the fear for the future (and a sense of hopelessness). Thank you for understanding me and summarizing it so well!

Recently, my best friend lost her life at a very young age and there was nothing that could be done. We were closer than some family members can ever be. Also my 2 beloved uncles passed away (Covid related) and left a big whole in my life.

I am so sorry about the loss of your friend at a young age. And losing your two uncles, whom you cared about a lot. That must have been devastating 🙁

In terms of friends, I am similar to you – I only have a couple of really good friends and they are in my home country, so we don’t meet often. But those are deep bonds, going back to my childhood. I must say my husband is my best friend, so I do have support and it means a lot, specially in times of hardship.

About your date, you might want to give him a chance. True, he isn’t pursuing you, but from what you’ve written about him, I don’t see red flags, except maybe that he was married and divorced 3 times. That can be a problem – if he hasn’t learned anything from his previous relationships and keeps repeating the same mistakes. However, it seems he has learned something: that he was “working too much before and neglecting his ex wife and his health.”

So if he mentioned his ex-wife in the context of a lesson learned, and not in the context of “I want her back”, then it’s not necessarily a red flag. He might have realized that he should pay more attention to the woman in his life, and also that he should pay more attention to his health (because when he didn’t, it lead to a heart attack).

He had a heart attack and now is obsessed with his health and focused on himself. It is good that he is looking after himself now but is there any space for someone new?

There should be. If he has learned a lesson that he should pay more attention to his partner, then there should be space for both you (as his potential partner) and him and his health, his hobbies etc. If on the other hand the only thing he talks about is his health and/or his ex-wife, that would be a red flag.

Also he is in a good contact with his ex wife’s son from her previous marriage. Maybe with her too?

Well, that’s his stepson, and it’s actually a good thing that he keeps in touch with him. It’s okay if he cares about his stepson. It doesn’t necessarily mean he also has feelings for his ex wife. In any case, you don’t know it yet, you’d need to find out.

I told him politely that I want to focus now on creating life with someone new and not live their past. He should learn from it by now. It was a bit emotionally draining for me…

I understand. It could be that he was really talking too much about his past and not showing much interest in you, or it could be that you felt unseen by him, due to your childhood wound of feeling unseen. If it’s the latter, you might have felt neglected and it might have felt emotionally draining. What do you feel happened? Do you think you were triggered, or he did talk extensively about his ex, while not showing interest in you?

Before I ,met’ you, I was not aware that a parent can have such a tremendous impact on a child’s future romantic life and long term health.

Unfortunately yes, our childhood and upbringing have a huge impact on us, because that’s when we learn about love and life. If we had emotionally abusive or neglectful parents, we learn that there is something wrong with us, that we are unlovable and unworthy. That’s of course a lie, but the child always thinks it’s their fault when the parents don’t give them the love and appreciation they need. So we always blame ourselves… and we carry that blame and a negative self-image into our adulthood.

We need to move on somehow but what if we never succeed to forget and forgive? What if this anxiety and fear won’t go away for good? It is so hard to fill that void inside…

I know, Dafne. I’d lived with the void (of feeling unlovable) for many years. Until I’ve started working on myself and learning that I am indeed lovable, and eventually until I started getting in touch with my inner child. Who desperately needed to be loved. That’s how that void got filled – by giving love to my inner child.

The worst thing is that they won’t change and will only hurt us more and more.

Yes, unfortunately our parents will rarely admit that they’ve made a mistake with our upbringing. There are those who do, but they are rare. But the good thing is that we don’t need our parents to admit that they’ve hurt us. We can heal without their admission and without their apology. We can heal, we can even learn to forgive them (but also keep our boundaries not to be hurt again), and move on. We can be free from that old baggage.

He messed up my life well enough and now wants to continue. It also seems like he is not doing well financially right now and complains a lot about money. I can’t trust anything he says and his intention with me. Could it be that bad?

Yeah, I am afraid it could. There are many selfish people out there, who are also parents, but they’re not good parents. Your father is not a good parent, but a selfish one, who doesn’t care much about you and your well-being. It’s not your fault, you haven’t deserved any of it, but unfortunately that’s what you have to deal with.

It’s pretty humiliating that you need to ask for permission from his ex-wife if you want to visit him. Their whole arrangement is a weird one – keeping the house together and then her staying there from time to time. Anyway, it’s good that you told him you don’t want to get involved in their mess (to use your words: “It is really messy”).

Also, it’s good you told him that parents usually gift (or leave) the land to their children, rather than selling it. I guess he needs money, and so he doesn’t care about not leaving you anything. He is just continuing his old neglectful behavior (He never supported us emotionally or financially in any way.) He hasn’t changed or learned anything, unfortunately.

Thank you Tee for opening my eyes for another abuse from him. He is using the spiritual talk as an excuse for his bad or non existent parenting and avoiding any responsibility. And he is doing nothing to make up for all those years.

You are welcome. Yeah, I am familiar with spiritual gaslighting – using spirituality to excuse being an a**hole. Well, I hope you won’t fall for it any longer and will see things more clearly. It’s probably going to hurt to see your father for who he really is, but please, know it’s not your fault, and that you can heal and get out of this stronger!

I hope something will change in our life very soon. I pray for us and that we are strong enough to stay on this Earth and be able to enjoy it

Thank you so much, Dafne. I too am praying for our strength and to be able to enjoy our lives, and have less pain, be it emotional or physical.

I am rooting for you, Dafne! <3