Dear Seaturtle:

“Thank you for acknowledging what I went through in high school“- you are welcome!

“Unfortunately the response felt normal to me, but at the same time not what I expected from reading the forums and seeing people being heard and given insight“-

(1) It is sad that rudeness is quite normal. Next time you receive a reply that is judgmental and rude, here or elsewhere, let the person know it. Stand up for yourself in an assertive, respectful, yet strong way (vs aggressive and rude.. which is weak, really).

(2) It is true that the person who replied to you is a good person, a regular participant who has been genuinely trying to help many people; a kind person..  just not on in that one instance, in your first thread. I am sorry that it happened. Your resulting feelings of hurt and discouragement are as valid as can be.

This reminds me of how important it is to do-no-harm and to be kind every single time I choose to reply to a member. I am glad you gave the forums a second chance by starting your second, current thread.

“I like your principle of ‘Do no harm,’ just hearing you say there are responses you have regretted on here, and witnessing how it makes me feel to receive a response like I did, I will be careful myself“- thank you for being the good person that you are, I appreciate you!

And thank you for appreciating me.

“Seemed to me he was emotional about the fact he realizes he didn’t see me before. But this could all be very wishful thinking“- I never underestimate how intense a child’s need and wish to be seen.

“He does see a therapist..“- he may be dating the therapist.

“This is a reason I have hesitated to initiate a break, because I don’t want to trigger him in this way. I don’t want him to pull away from me and I certainly don’t want to be dating other people“- if not a break, then make changes within the relationship so that you have the space/ alone-time that you need when you need it.

“It’s like I can see myself breaking up with him, exactly how it would happen, an impulse. I can see it relieving me…  Back to taking a break, I have contemplated this for a year now, and I think a year been in this distress… I just moved out two weeks and thought I would see if that helps before taking a break, but honestly it is what I want and know I need“-

– It occurred to me just now, and I don’t know if I mentioned this to you before.. that when with your partner, you may be re-experiencing the distress, anger and the desire to run away/ remove yourself from the situation,  that you felt with your father growing up.

Your father demanded that you give him loving attention, which is inappropriate for a father/ parent to demand from his daughter, and that terribly distressed you and made you angry with him (“his insecure self needed me to literally tell him he was seen. I literally began to do this for him… I started to send him random texts like ‘I love you'”).

“I find myself wanting to criticize my partner.. A mentality like, if I have to be hyper aware of what I am doing, like responding to messages, cleaning up after myself hyper-vigilantly, making sure YOU are seen“-

– right here, you are re-experiencing what happened with your father in the context of your partner: angry (wanting to criticize) with (your father=> your partner) for making those inappropriate, unreasonable and distressing demands from you (to be hyper aware etc.).

As adults, we forget how badly we felt as young children because as children, we dissociate from alarming, intense feelings. And so, when you currently meet your father, as an adult, you don’t feel that distress, or too much of it… Yu don’t feel these distressing feelings in the context of your father. But what happens with those dissociated feelings is that they re-appear in other contexts, commonly in the context of a romantic partner.

Makes sense..?

anita