Helcat,

” Do you think a simple apology might work for you? For example, “Sorry for being late, I know it’s a trigger for you. I don’t ever want to make you feel unseen.””

Yes. When the apology feels true, then it does release the trigger. If he used this phrasing it would be even better, the problem is often his “apologizing” comes across fake. I am not sure if I am reading it correctly but I am pretty confident in my ability to read these things. Like sometimes he will apologize but I feel he is just saying it to just end the conversation and move on, other times his apologies are “I’m sorry but…” and that “but” just negates it all for me and I stop hearing what he’s saying. Honestly a false apology hasn’t happened in a while, I think/hope he realizes they are ineffective. I have learned he can also be passive aggressive but doesn’t know he’s doing it when I confront him, he makes me feel stupid for even thinking it could have been passive aggressive and this bothers me. It concerns me he does not see that his “jokes” are passive aggressive and pretty obvious to me. Another reason I know they are not just jokes is because when we are having a consistently good time he doesn’t “joke” around.

The difficulty with apologising is that some men hate it. My husband did and felt like an apology meant that he had to mean that he’d done something wrong. Instead of simply being a way to validate emotions. Women are prepped by society to apologise in a variety of different scenarios and understand that it’s largely about validation and manners. I had to talk to him and explain that it’s not that he was doing something wrong. It’s just showing that he cared and empathised with how I felt.

I want to straight up just read this to him because it is so true. He does struggle to apologize and all I really want is just recognition of how it could have been harmful to me.

“To a lot of people, taking a break just means breaking up. So I can understand why he feels scared by this idea. Perhaps you could take a break without actively using that term. What would taking a break look like to you?”

These are good questions. While living together I felt the need for a break quite heavily, but since moving out, it is sort of a break in itself. I see him about 2-3 days a week instead of 24/7, he is not a big texter or any social media communication so we have full days without talking which I think is what I need because before our lives were so intertwined that everything I did was around him. What I did for food that day was a communication with him, or how we relaxed at the end of the day, or even when I would come home/leave or even shower and wash my hair! So now I can breathe a bit more and just make decisions for only myself, so that I don’t forget my needs and my self care, which I often gave up if he was home. I hope these things don’t make us a bad match, and i hope I can heal in this semi-break period and then be able to relax with him again living together.

“I think that having my trauma invalidated, which is a big part of my life would make me feel unseen too. What do you think?”

*this paragraph is sad, I am not sure how else to describe it, so read when you have your mental armor on, I don’t want to harm your mood.

Yes I believe that having trauma invalidated is even another form of trauma, because I feel triggered when I feel invalidated in certain ways, let alone invalidated trauma, it can be gut wrenching depending on how close that person is to you. My trauma has been very invalidated, my dad was one of those types who just believed anxiety made you weak and you could power through anything with a 5 am workout, egg whites and money. Rabbit trail: My brother is not mentally well, he is 2 1/2 years younger than me, actually turns 22 tomorrow wow. Anyways he was in no way a jock growing up, he hated the sports my dad would try to bribe him to play, my dad has no relationship with him he doesn’t understand him at all. My brother is sensitive, musical, inventive, and intelligent, but these positive traits about him shut down through the divorce, maybe earlier. Unseen fully by my dad, even more than I am, he developed a video game addiction, and gambling as well now. He has very low self esteem and was diagnosed with manic depression and prescribed in 2020. He would have outburst of anger to my mom and sisters, so much so they no longer felt safe with him around and he is now living at my grandparents…the place my dad was raised, so I do not think it is helping him. Side note my sister, two years younger than him, was also rejected by my dad. She is a strong woman, I am naturally softer, she did not fit the mold of what my dad thought made a girl a girl, she was constantly in trouble as a kid, spanked too much and I also would cry hearing it as a kid because my dad would get angry with her, she was pretty devious she would have lots of tantrums and hated authority. Anyways come her 18th birthday she moved to another state to live with my Aunt and her family, they are very religious (Christian) they are vegan and just very kind people who pretty much adopted her after she spent the last 8 summers there as well. My youngest sister is the only one still home and she’s an amazing dancer and my dad still to this day tells her she should try a “real” sport. This infuriates me. Bringing this out of the rabbit hole now, me and all my siblings are unseen, and relate to each other in this way. If we told my dad this, he would deny any of it being his fault, he would say we didn’t communicate with him enough, or we are exaggerating the pain or that our whole generation is just weak. Having trauma invalidated, especially by the one that traumatized you is angering, for me anyways. Anger that turns to a deep sadness and feeling of being UNSEEN. Even writing this paragraph took a lot out of me, feel like I need a yoga class right now ha!

Sending a release of muscle tension to you (as I needed it as well)

Seaturtle