Hi Seaturtle

Thank you for your patience and compassion! Please feel free to read this on Monday, since you like to have a break over the weekend.

I know exactly how you feel with the issues with apologies. I’ve had similar issues too with my husband. I’m glad to hear that your partner did get better at apologising though. Mine did too.

It also helped to calm my triggers to be treat with empathy and validation. I think that as time went on and we worked on things, I was more able to differentiate between the past and the present. I ended up feeling less and less the need for him to apologize to help soothe my anxiety because it became very clear to me that it was less to do with him and his behaviour and more to do with my past.

Regarding passive aggressive jokes, would be you like to share an example? I think this is something that I’ve been guilty of myself. I appreciate sarcastic humour, whereas my husband doesn’t. It annoyed my sister too when I would be sarcastic. I think that it’s important to take on board that feedback from people and even though it’s a tense situation and a sarcastic joke might lighten my mood, it can have the opposite effect on others. Being sensitive to other people’s needs is important especially to avoid escalating conflict.

It can definitely be difficult living with people so closely. It really takes some getting used to. I remember being annoyed by the lack of space for the first 6 months when my husband and I started living together. I hope that moving out helps you to process and gives you that comfort of having your own space.

I think that therapy could be helpful in the event that you two decide to live together again. You know now that it is a triggering experience for you both and could honestly use some support to help manage this. I think it’s possible to overcome this in a relationship if both partners are committed to supporting each other and working on it together.

Thank you for sharing your experiences of your trauma being invalidated, even though it was challenging for you. You have a lot of strength for being able to do so! What your partner doesn’t understand is that to articulate such deep emotions takes a lot of courage. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s very much a strength that allows you to heal.