Dear Seaturtle:

“We are extremely physically compatible, like at times what we do feels like absolute  MAGIC   I feel I see the heavens and stars for multiple seconds at a time BUT” (July 29)- BUT when the magic doesn’t last and last; Hatch is still hurting, still distressed, still UNSEEN.

“He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE… He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“-

-The adult part of you sees these things about your boyfriend (N). But Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between Past and Present – does not see a supportive man who encourages her to do what she loves; she does not see a stand up man when she looks at N. Instead, she sees her father who does the opposite of encouraging or supporting her.

For as long as Hatch has significant unresolved issues in regard to her father, she will keep seeing him in N (and in other people).

“Is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ??????????????“-

– I think it’s Hatch who is running away, running away from her father who is not genuinely caring or kind, a man who will not do what needs to be done for his daughter’s best interest.

“I am 24 and he is 26. I’ve had about 5 previous relationships but I ended each of them after about 3 months cause that was just how long it took me to realize they weren’t right and end it well” (October 10)- your relationship history fits my understanding that Hatch keeps seeing her father in men and.. she keeps running away, or wanting to run away (from her father).

“With my current partner, at that 3 month mark that feeling of wanting to break up was replaced with this light peaceful feeling that I could relax with him and almost like a voice was telling me he would be around for a while. It has never been a forever feeling though, but even now a fear of breaking up is that I want him in my life“-this light peaceful feeling is an indication that he is different from those who preceded him, that he may be the right man for you, or more accurately, it indicates that N may be the right man for you if and when Hatch’s significant issues in regard to her father are resolved.

“He accepts my flaws and loves me in spite, which touches me so deeply because I didn’t receive unconditional love from my father“- it doesn’t touch Hatch deeply enough .. because of these unresolved issues I keep mentioning, seeing her father in N.

“Is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ??????????????” (July 29) “The one about my father scares me more. He was very critical, I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset. in fact while I lived with him I went through a lot of suicidal thoughts and running away attempts” (October 11)-

-Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between past and present, is still living in her father’s house, still distressed, still wanting to run away.

I think I made my point, so now I will fast forward to your last post addressed to me, the one I did not yet read and respond to: in regard to the questions I asked you and your answers, I didn’t detect abuse on his part by his use of the word excuse, if he did not mean that your past childhood emotional trauma (those unresolved issues I repeatedly mentioned above) are not valid; if what he meant instead was to say that in the here-and-now experience, you felt angry at him and responded to your anger by withholding affection from him, similarly to what his mother did.

To prevent this (withholding affection) from happening, it will take you SEEING Hatch, and then understanding that N is not your father, and redirecting your anger to whom it belongs.

“Yes, this is why my mind hasn’t rested because it is at war. You’ve now seen a glimpse into what I love about him, but when I feel unseen or that distance between us, due to the TF, I want to run to someone who does see me. The fact he doesn’t SEE me is what makes me still doubt we are soulmates” (October 20)-

– (1) When I first brought up the Teflon Mind (TM) topic, I thought that he may be an extreme case of it, but I no longer think so. (2) Your father has a HUGE impact on your emotional health: it is he who introduced war into your mind and it is he who is the reason you want to run/ run away (3) There is only one person who can make Hatch feel seen, and it is not N. It has to be you, the adult part of you. You will need the help of a few other people, but primarily, it needs to be Seaturtle (the adult) SEEING Hatchling (the inner child). Once seeing how Hatch really feels, it will take doing what’s right for her. If what’s right for her is to no longer hope that her father will finally see her, and then to never talk or visit him.. then don’t (have no contact with him).

Hatch needs to be seen, and for her feelings, needs and wants to be validated and respected.. by you.

“Do you know how a feeler can learn to gain Teflon and vise versa?“-  to no longer get triggered/ distressed/ wanting to run away from a good man (N), ask Hatch: who is the bad man she keeps wanting to run away from? If she feels your commitment to SEE her and then, to do what’s right for her.. she will tell you.

anita