Hi Gavin,

I am sorry you’re in so much pain. I get that this was a rude awakening, and the sense of loss is huge. But please, don’t get stuck in self-blame, because after all, there are reasons why you behaved the way you did – even if those reasons are “irrational”.

I understand the connection to my childhood, but the truth is I was selfish and blind to the future and the possible ramifications of what I was doing, even though in the back of mind I knew it was wrong and could lose her

In this above sentence, you do acknowledge the causes of your irrational behavior (childhood trauma), but you gloss over them and continue to beat yourself up for what you’ve done. Please don’t gloss over it, don’t think it’s a small thing. Your childhood trauma, if unhealed, is totally capable of causing such irrational behavior.

Please see yourself as a childhood trauma survivor, and see everything that happened in that light. And then, as anita said, have compassion for the little boy exposed to those negative experiences.

The trauma that we suffer in childhood forms us as persons, it affects both our physical and mental health. And it can make us selfish and blind too. Some people never awaken to their selfishness and blindness, and they keep hurting people (you know the saying: hurt people hurt people). But you have awakened, even with a great sense of loss.

Many of us like that: we need a kind of a shock “therapy” to awaken – we need a super painful experience to finally change our ways. But the most important is that you have awakened. You have realized that you’ve been wrong. However, please also realize and awaken to the fact that your trauma caused you to behave like that. Have those 2 realizations simultaneously.

Don’t just focus on what you’ve done, which keeps you stuck in the loop of self-hatred and self-blame. Also, think of yourself as the survivor, victim if you will, of childhood emotional abuse. That’s the reason for your selfish and irrational behavior. Once you heal that trauma, you won’t behave the way you did.

So find compassion for yourself – for the little boy who’s been hurt – and start your healing journey from there. We can only heal if we find compassion for ourselves. Everything else is just treading water, leading us nowhere.