Dear Anita,

“For as long as Hatch has significant unresolved issues in regard to her father, she will keep seeing him in N (and in other people).”

“– I think it’s Hatch who is running away, running away from her father who is not genuinely caring or kind, a man who will not do what needs to be done for his daughter’s best interest.”

Both of these made me start to feel emotional. I haven’t heard the term “Hatch” before, but the sense of it feels real. I do feel like I am split in two. I can see her, “hatch” this scared version of myself and then I can see ME who is confident and loving and regrets what hatch sees/feels/says.

“(October 10)- your relationship history fits my understanding that Hatch keeps seeing her father in men and.. she keeps running away, or wanting to run away (from her father).”

Yes! I was doing this consciously. That is why when I started to feel some of my father in N, I was disappointed in myself, I thought he was different. I do not like men who reflect my father. N has admitted to understanding my dad, his desire to feel respected, and their drive to be financially free and in power of their own destiny. I like that they get along it makes me feel safe in a way, but I don’t want them to be too similar, which I don’t think they are “too”, but they both have that teflon.

““He accepts my flaws and loves me in spite, which touches me so deeply because I didn’t receive unconditional love from my father“- it doesn’t touch Hatch deeply enough .. because of these unresolved issues I keep mentioning, seeing her father in N.“

Exactly. I have to convince Hatch with words but she doesn’t feel it like I do and logically feel I should. I think Hatch often is more present when we are on dates… because that regret of what Hatch sees/feels/says, as mentioned earlier, happens after N leaves. I wonder why I didn’t enjoy that perfect date more? I don’t think it is all Hatch, and hopefully getting less and less and I try to overcome this association between N and my Father…

“-Hatch- for whom there is no distinction between past and present, is still living in her father’s house, still distressed, still wanting to run away.”

Wow, this spoke deeply to me. Could this be why I feel so exhausted all the time? I think since moving out I am coming out of this exhaustion, slowly, but I just don’t have as much energy as I want to or see others have. I don’t have enough to commit to my dreams, I end up taking so many breaks or just wanting to give up cause I am too tired, it make me feel lazy and weak.

” if what he meant instead was to say that in the here-and-now experience, you felt angry at him and responded to your anger by withholding affection from him, similarly to what his mother did.”

I agree with your assessment of his use of the word “excuse” not being abusive, I have felt it more of a present feeling of his about my current response to him. It just makes Hatch angry/insecure. But recently I have been able to see this behavior as if out of body and it helps to distance myself from the anxiety.

“To prevent this (withholding affection) from happening, it will take you SEEING Hatch, and then understanding that N is not your father, and redirecting your anger to whom it belongs.”

Are there affirmations that can help me to remind myself he is not my father? When triggered I still believe Hatch sometimes and simultaneously want to argue it, like my adult-self/ME is burried so deep I can barely hear her anymore but I am trying. “redirecting your anger to whom it belongs” -visualizing my father and directing anger to him? in the end I want to be able to get rid of that anger all together, rather than just redirect it. Is redirecting it first then I will need to resolve that with him? or will it always be there, like the law of energy that it can never truly be rid of only moved?

“(3) There is only one person who can make Hatch feel seen, and it is not N. It has to be you, the adult part of you.”

This is freeing in a sense for sure. however there are people in my life who do make me feel seen, why is this? My mom, sisters and two close friends (sometimes random acquaintances) make me feel seen when I cannot see myself, is it wrong to want this from  a partner? Or is there a reason that I don’t feel seen by him as I do others?

“Once seeing how Hatch really feels, it will take doing what’s right for her. If what’s right for her is to no longer hope that her father will finally see her, and then to never talk or visit him.. then don’t (have no contact with him).”

I will need to think about this and let it marinate. My heart can’t imagine not having contact, but I can’t tell if that’s cause I feel bad for him or myself. It gives me a big sense of loneliness to avoid him. What are some techniques to hear hatch?

“Hatch needs to be seen, and for her feelings, needs and wants to be validated and respected.. by you.”

Do you know of techniques, a book, or mediation practice that can enter me into a space to communicate with myself in this way? Adult–>Hatch.

“ask Hatch: who is the bad man she keeps wanting to run away from? If she feels your commitment to SEE her and then, to do what’s right for her.. she will tell you.”

I hope and look forward to this interaction.

Thank you so much Anita, you are helping me understand myself and I feel so supported by you.

Sending Love and appreciation,

Seaturtle