Dear Kiersten:

I will reply to both of your threads here, in this thread, and leave the other for those who may hopefully recommend to you the spiritual books and Buddhist guidance that you asked for.

You shared that you are a 31-year-old woman suffering from “autism… severe mental illnesses, and medical problems“, “severe disabilities..  that prevent me from working and going to school“,  making it difficult or impossible for you “to make and keep friends“. Your mother is currently paying your rent, but you hope to be able to support yourself financially in the future.

You shared that your mother is narcissistic and very mentally abusive toward you: “My mother will insult me put me on guilt trips and do things to manipulate me, and do things emotionally hurtful to me… respectful communication is no longer possible.. She shows no empathy or compassion for me so I don’t go see her anymore nor do I call her very much on the phone. I know eventually I will need to end contact with my mother“. You also shared that you “also endured a lot of mental abuse from family, former friends, ex partners, and medical professionals“, and that you’ve “had to cut a lot of toxic people out of my life“.

You asked: “Can anyone give me advice on how to compassionately handle my mother while I limit contact with her? I am hoping that when I am able to,  I can get well enough to go attend college to be able to secure a job and end contact… Can anyone relate?“-

– Firstly, congratulations for cutting a lot of toxic people out of your life and for minimizing contact with your abusive mother.  I very much like your plan to end all contact with her and to attend college and secure a job sometime in the future,  when you are able.

Secondly, yes, I can relate to having a narcissistic, abusive mother, the antithesis of what a mother is supposed to be. She is supposed to be her child’s protector; instead.. we need protection from her. My mother too, like yours, insulted me (repeatedly and at great lengths), mercilessly guilt-tripped me and severely hurt me.

You asked for advice on how to handle her compassionately while limiting contact with her: my advice is that you focus not on handling her compassionately, but instead, that you focus on handling yourself compassionately.

Your compassion for her all these years did not make a difference to her emotional quality of life,  and did not cause her to have compassion for you, did it… A waste of your empathy/ compassion, isn’t it? Better apply empathy and compassion to yourself: it will make a difference to your quality of life!

Personally, I have had no contact with my mother for 10 years and plan to keep it this way. I am still working on practicing compassion for myself.. a concept that was foreign to me in the past.

Is my input somewhat helpful, at this point?

anita