Hi Gavin,

thank you for telling me a little more about yourself.

I understand that my perspective is blinkered at the moment, but if you could see and know what I have lost, and the opportunities I had, then you might understand more.

I’d often beat myself up about things not going right and that I must achieve more. I suppose I have a lack of empathy for myself.  … I don’t feel any empathy for myself at all.

She was the miracle I needed in my life and I had everything I could have possibly ever wanted was with her,

Something just occurred to me, Gavin, and that is that perhaps she had empathy for you (which you didn’t have for yourself), she was patient with you, she tolerated your flaws and imperfections… Maybe she had all those qualities that you desperately needed but was missing in yourself. Perhaps that’s why you see her as the miracle in your life? Because she gave you what you always longed for (from your parents) but never received?

I remember having the same traits all throughout my childhood and into adulthood, of wanting to achieve, be popular and be the best I can, be but never fulfilling the goals I set for myself or the standards of others,

It seems you wanted to achieve and prove yourself (to your parents?). You also wanted to be popular, which might mean you wanted to be liked and appreciated by your peers. But you could never meet those standards (that your parents set?) and you never felt truly liked and appreciated. Do you resonate with this?

Your story sounds like the story of someone who is really trying, but is never good enough for those whom he is trying to impress/get validation from. First and foremost, those would be your parents, and then perhaps your peers as well. This is just an assumption, of course, so please tell me if I am off track.

It seems that she on the other hand was very much impressed by you and liked you a lot (she was just as attracted to me as I was to her, and the connection was so strong).

It also seems she accepted you and tolerated your sometimes “appalling” behavior (My behaviour towards her, while sometimes kind and loving, was generally appalling over the course of the relationship.)

You say you sometimes acted like a narcissist (i.e. like a self-centered child), and she perhaps was tolerating all that and perhaps even trying to console you and ease your stress? (unlike your parents who were fighting with each other constantly and not only didn’t ease your stress but have contributed to it).

If my assumptions are correct, then she might have given you what your parents haven’t given you: empathy, understanding, acceptance, and also the sense that you are special. If so, that’s more than enough to consider her as your miracle… but also, a miracle that you can provide for yourself eventually, after some healing.

I am going to stop here for now. Let me know how this sounds and if it resonates?