Dear Anita,

That is so funny that I thought it was a legitimate term hahaha, hatchling is perfect 🙂

Your insight on uniting hatchling and seaturtle is very helpful and will be in my thoughts.

“– I assume (and correct me if I am wrong) that you don’t always feel seen by others and that when you don’t feel seen by them it doesn’t trigger/ distress you enough to notice or overthink it, but when you feel unseen by N, it triggers/ distresses you a lot because it awakens Hatch’s hurt and anger. Hatch is trying to resolve her UNSEEN experience through N, so she’s very sensitive to what he says, what he does..”

You hit on something there. Yesterday morning, after reading the posts on this forum, I attempted a conversation with hatch. I told her I wanted to hear her, to come forward and I would not turn her away. She showed up last night. I am acting in a Play right now, a Shakespeare, it is my first time acting on a stage with other talented actors and people having to pay to come see it. I have taken classes and improv, but this is different. I have been nervous but just reminding myself it is fun and nothing to actually fear. Last night I felt more self conscious than usual, I was hyper aware of what I was saying and how it was being perceived, hatch was desperate to feel accepted by the group I am working with, but I did not get any obvious cues, I walked away insecure about what I said. I found myself in a deep dive into different forums last night to understand why I felt this way. My rabbit trail led me to something that felt very true, that I don’t know how receive love and appreciation from others.. when complimented I feel I owe them something back and respond by downplaying myself. I often assume people think I am awkward. I thought the answer to all this was to ignore it, but now I think maybe I have just been ignoring hatch? I read about how important a parents consistent love is to our self esteem, and feel my hatchling was insecure about love and somehow taught herself to be defensive against love, like by body repels it and in that process doesn’t even allow me to see it. I think this is why I have said I need words of affirmations from my partner…because I cannot see/receive it! all of this has been on my mind all morning and redirected my focus. I wondered if I should start another forum but I wanted your advice.

By allowing hatchling to surface, is it typical for insecurities to arise? I truly thought they were solved but maybe I was just ignoring hatchling and the real solution is to actually unlearn my body’s learned response to love and learn to see how others do care about me? I often feel my friends don’t care about me and do things without considering me .. and this is all being directed at N! what do you think about this?

I will look into ‘healing your inner child’ books. Do most people just walk around with their inner child in a tamed cage? I assume most people do not think this much, but maybe I am giving myself too much credit.

” The goal is not to raise Hatch, as in to no longer have an inner-child, but to get along with her, to give her the empathetic attention that she needs.”

Will hatchling always be in a naïve insecure state? or can she be a mature (inner) child ..

“Hatch is afraid to direct anger at her father, afraid of his anger in return, afraid of what (in her mind) this big, powerful man will do to her when angry. She wants to please him, so that he’d be nice to her.”

Interesting. I want to begin the journey of strengthening her.

“The adult part of you needs to communicate to her that you (this big-enough, powerful-enough young woman) can handle her father’s anger, that you can and will protect her.”

I love this.

“a parent’s repeated uncontrolled anger- even it is expressed in facial features and tone of voice alone- is enough to traumatize a child.”

Wow. I definitely underestimated what could be traumatizing. It reminded me of some of my dads very immature and mean facial expressions .. my sister and brother received it worse and I feel for them right now.

“– Focus on increasing the volume level of Hatch’s Voice: hear her words, listen to her; take her side no matter what, no matter if N or your father agree or disagree. If the price for you (the adult part) to  pay for getting close to .. you (the child part) is distancing yourself from N.. then it will be a price worth paying.”

I have felt, in the last year, that I had an inner voice screaming at me in many moments living with N and that roommate. It is for hatch that I moved out. But it took her being in a lot of pain for me to take action .. One of my reasons to move out, and I told N, “I feel there is a voice telling me to move out, and has been for a while now, but I have been ignoring it, I feel I need to move out to see if this voice is my ‘gut’ or maybe I will recognize after it was just ‘fear.’ ” Thank you Anita, you have lead me to the answer I was seeking when creating this forum 🙂 (alongside Helcat of course!) Although I have work to do I feel like I just saw through a huge wall I felt was blocking me. I am eternally grateful to you! and myself!

With love,

Seaturtle and hatchling