Dear Dafne,

you are very welcome!

I am fine more or less, having some issues but keeping my health anxiety at bay, which is a new experience for me. I am learning new things about the nervous system and how we can “rewire” it, so we can be less anxious.

You helped me to see the things for what they are and not for what I wish them to be. I am much better now knowing that my feelings were ,real’, that I am not overreacting and that there is someone out there who understands my pain.

I am happy you’re feeling better now and more understood. And yes, you were not overreacting – your father did cause you a lot of pain and then denied it, putting all the blame on you. As children, we always take that blame, we always believe there’s something wrong with us when the parent abuses or neglects us. And we carry that blame into our adulthood too.

We carry not only the blame, but also the belief that we are not good enough. This false belief almost becomes our “curse” because it directs everything we do, as well as the way we see ourselves and other people. And we might not even be aware of it.

I’m also glad that you could find ways to nurture your inner child and feel loved again

Yes, that was the turning point in my healing – when I’ve come across the concept of the inner child. Because until then, I was making some progress, but I could never stop blaming myself, I could never find enough compassion for myself – until I realized that I was an innocent, precious child who was not given the love and appreciation that every child needs and deserves. And that I was lacking because of that. That was the turning point, that’s when I could finally feel compassion for myself and start loving myself.

Your’re right about my father. I’ve lied to myself for so many years, explaining his bad behaviour and suffering in silence. I’ve shed too many tears…

Yeah, I can imagine. You were feeling unloved and uncared for, and you were excusing your father’s lack of love and care, and at least partially blaming yourself for it. I hope you can now see that it wasn’t your fault, and that you are lovable and worthy, even if your father didn’t show this to you.

I’m not gonna argue with him anymore or beg for his attention.

Good decision! Because his recent behavior shows that he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and keeps blaming you. Wanting anything from him would be a recipe for continual pain and suffering…

I will try to live day by day. I only hope that those past experiences won’t mess up my relationships with others.

I hope you can find the way to heal those childhood wounds. If you can’t afford a therapist who works with the inner child, perhaps you could check out some online materials and try to do self-healing?

To answer your question Tee, I’m not sure what triggered my response with that last man. Maybe I was scared of him leaving me sooner or later? Or maybe I felt embarrassed that the stepfather can be more loving than my own father?

It could be either. If we feel not good enough, we then fear that people won’t like us and that they will leave us (like your father left you when you were a child). And so we try to prevent that hurt by leaving them before they can leave us.

Or the other option you’ve mentioned: you might have felt the pain of your father’s lack of love and care for you, compared to this man’s care for his stepson. So both can be true, Dafne. It could be that talking to this man triggered your own wounds, and it was overwhelming.

I did send him a message, he replied but still no 2 date in sight. He might enjoy his fun, bachelor life now and I might be too serious for him.

He might have felt a certain neediness in you, a certain heaviness, because when our wounds are not healed, we are very needy. Indeed, we are like little children, needing to be the center of our parent’s (now partner’s) world. So if you expected him to have you as the center of his world, and not to have any other interests and not to care for anyone else (including his stepson), that could have felt heavy for him.

You mentioned in your other post that your husband is your best friend and helped you in that hard time. I find it amazing. Depression or anxiety should never be a reason for him/her to neglect or quit the relationship.

Yeah, my husband has been a great support to me, not just now, when I am struggling with all these health challenges, but in the past too. In the beginning of our relationship he was a bit of a care-taker for me, like a good parent figure, and I was quite needy. But then we had some challenges, and it was a wake-up call for me to start working on myself and healing my issues, because otherwise I would have lost him.

Tee, if you do not mind asking me, where did you guys meet? Are you both from the same country?

We met many years ago at a business conference. We’re not from the same country but were living in neighboring countries, and so it was a 5-yr long long-distance relationship before I finally moved to his country.

Life is so unpredictable…we never know what’s around the corner.

Yes it is. In fact, I never wanted to go to this conference, because it was at an inconvenient time for me, but that’s where I met my husband. So it was the best thing ever 🙂

Let’s pray for our healing and to feel at ease once again

Yes, I hope that both of us will feel more at peace in our lives. I hope you can find some peace now, after you’ve realized some things about your father and accepted that it wasn’t your fault. I hope you can start loving yourself more, bit by bit <3