Dear Seaturtle & hatchling:

“I apologize for my later response, my trip to see my partner’s family was consuming in many ways and I am just now reading this response“- I understand. I wanted to send you a how-are-you inquiry earlier, but figured you are probably busy with the challenging visit and long flight back to AZ. (I was concerned about your relationship).

“The following day him and I stayed at an Airbnb together for a friend’s wedding (the main reason we went on the trip) and I just wanted to do my best to be present and not make the drive about me, which I inevitably would have done if I saw a response from you, I would have needed to express it to him, but I did not want to overwhelm him with my feelings“- E x C e L l E n T    Choice on your part, I am (yet again) impressed with you!

“I am now reading your response. Wow your view of what happened is very perceptive and I appreciate it so much. I now wish I had read it before so I could have better seen the hurt n“- you didn’t know what my reply would be back then, so .. still an excellent choice.

“I completely blamed myself for feeling disconnected”- please don’t blame yourself for feeling anything: happy, sad, hurt, angry, jealous, envious, etc. Feelings just happen; you don’t choose them. No Choice=> No Guilt.

“When I feel disconnected from him I tend to think something is either wrong with me or the relationship, but if the disconnect is happening from his end, how to I detect and remedy this?“- feeling disconnected from one’s partner on occasion is normal. No two people remain close to each other to the same extent at all times. If you don’t get alarmed by this fact of nature.. you won’t feel alarmed on top of feeling disconnected.

In the scenario you described, that walk in nature, what I would have done in your shoes would be to gently, kindly invite N to talk about how he was feeling, if he wanted to. If he said no, or ignored my invitation. I’d just endure the walk and try to be calm about it (not taking his disconnected/ angry behavior personally).

“As soon as we got to the cabin, and I mean AS SOON AS we got there, I felt more connected to him than ever. We had such a bonding moment where I believe we both felt very safe. We cuddled on the couch, then I gave him a haircut for the wedding and we got ready together. We again were connected the next morning and through our whole drive home, even at his parents house“- I am so glad to read this (like I wrote in the beginning of this post, I was worried).

“There was however another issue I had, it wasn’t between US it was, I am pretty sure, between seaturtle and hatchling.. While we were getting ready for the wedding, I tried on the dresses I brought…  and did not feel confident. I thought about how I would be compared with the other women there .. I am not proud of this and new it was not a helpful thought but I felt it very deeply.. thoughts like “N will be attracted to another girl and I won’t compare”-

– like I wrote earlier in this post, feelings just happen: No Choice=>No Guilt. I am adding: No Choice=> No Shame (regarding feelings like envy, jealousy, anger, etc.)

* The way I am answering your post is I read one part, reply, then read the next part, etc., and so, I didn’t yet read the rest of your post except for its ending. I am so tired and I want to continue to read and reply.. probably better that I do Wed morning. Good to read back from you, Seaturtle and hatchling, love back to the two of you!

anita