Dear Anita,

“I understand. I wanted to send you a how-are-you inquiry earlier, but figured you are probably busy with the challenging visit and long flight back to AZ. (I was concerned about your relationship).”

Thank you for understanding and I really feel your concern and thank you for that as well. I was concerned too. Feeling not only disconnected but then those hopeless thoughts of “will this ever end?” “how many more times will I feel like this with him, is it going to be the majority of our relationship?” “can I handle this?” The fact the disconnect is on his end I feel alleviated of blame, but then I still feel the concern for its end, because it is in his control and that feels unstable to me.

“In the scenario you described, that walk in nature, what I would have done in your shoes would be to gently, kindly invite N to talk about how he was feeling, if he wanted to. If he said no, or ignored my invitation. I’d just endure the walk and try to be calm about it (not taking his disconnected/ angry behavior personally).”

I hope to be able to do this in the future. I wasn’t aware at the time that he was the cause of the disconnect, I thought it was me. Perhaps I can still ask him even though the feelings are not fresh on his mind?

“– like I wrote earlier in this post, feelings just happen: No Choice=>No Guilt. I am adding: No Choice=> No Shame (regarding feelings like envy, jealousy, anger, etc.)”

I am trying to visualize if this would have helped me in that moment. To say to myself “these feelings are not my fault.” Does that give the feelings less power? I just wonder where these insecure feelings stem from so that I can pull it out by the root. Or is experiencing these feelings simply human and will always be there, it’s just a matter of how loud you let them be?

Thank you for your concern about my relationship it feels so nice, and gives me hope, to have someone hearing and seeing me ❤️

Seaturtle & hatchling