Dear Anita,

In response to your reply on (November 3, 2023 at 12:11 pm)

“he said this time, meaning that at other times he felt badly… If that’s what he meant (without necessarily meaning to express it to you), then he is aware of feeling badly when in his parents’ home.”

Interesting observation. Yes he has, but he didn’t notice it this time? Yes it is very possible he just didn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t like to talk about emotions or feelings, I have to tiptoe around this, which is hard cause I do want to. He often feels good and “closer to me” when we do talk about feelings but starting is super delicate.

” Something about your childhood was positive enough to make it possible for you to have the level of awareness that you do today. Maybe he wasn’t that.. fortunate.”

Interesting. I haven’t thought of my awareness coming from something “positive” from “childhood.” For some reason I felt it was negative childhood and positive adulthood that caused forced awareness after being made to feels so badly, so hurt you eventually start to wonder why. What do you think about this?

“CBT is effective when it comes to challenging the inner child’s emotion-led thoughts (aka emotional reasoning) and leading her into believing what is objectively true vs what she feels is true. Over time, hatchling will believe what is objectively true.”

This gives me hope, CBT is something I will pursue. I often feel emotion driven and confused about objective truth.

““I often felt free-er with my mom, but safer with my dad“- I didn’t know that you feel safer with your father… Would you like to elaborate on this sentence, the whole sentence?”

I am glad you asked for clarification here because reading it back it can be misleading. After not speaking to my mom for a year, ages 16-17, my heart ached for her so much that I forced compartmentalized “my mom” and “the woman who hurt my dad/family.” Also, living with my dad gave me insight as to why my mom “rebelled,” he made it hard to tell him the truth cause he was not very understanding if you did not have exact rational language that he would understand. When I opened back up to my mom I stayed with her for several months, which by the way made my dad upset, he would get annoyed if I spent more time with her than him. He felt it was unfair? I am honestly not sure where his mood swings stemmed from. When I stayed with my mom, we would smoke weed together, she had a dab pen that she shared with me, I had tried once experimentally with a friend at 16, but with her was my first time consistently. When I stayed with her for a certain amount of time I would start to feel a little unhinged, like I needed a routine. My dad’s home was very routine, he had a gym there and had all his meals planned in the fridge. By saying my dads home had more “safety” what I really mean is consistency and routine. I would swing back and forth between my moms and dads, one with fun: takeout food, random activities, crafts, I think my mom was trying to get me to “like her” again, so she just gave me whatever I wanted, this is what I meant by feeling free-er. Then the other with reliability and structure: healthy food, workouts, waking up early, no excuses for days off.

wow I am having a realization. I have felt this way in my life for a long time. I switch between structure/routine and impulsivity/desires. When I am in one for a certain amount of time, about 4 weeks, I CRAVE the other…This is actually something I have felt was “wrong” with me. It affects my work, I often get inspired by the structure of my job, then after too much I start to call out of work, stay home and paint/whatever craft I am currently inspired by. I have been fired by jobs because of this and told by two employers I take too much time off… But I have yet to find a job I care enough about, I get to the point of not caring if they fire me cause I want a new routine anyway. Acting in plays, classes and improv are actually the only activities I don’t desire to cancel on or take breaks from.

“We adapt by figuratively closing our eyes to what scares us/ minimizing awareness. Fast forward, as adults, our eyes are still closed and our awareness- blocked to one extent or another, often significantly.”

This may be why I have such an intense desire to increase my awareness, because of the previous lack. What is really cool, is my current roommate is one of my good friends from high-school. That was a time in my life where I was very unaware, for the reasons you just said. I feel a disconnect with that version of myself, my memory is as if I was a robot, disconnected and pretending to be someone else so that I fit in and could avoid not being accepted. But my roommate has talked about my high-school self, being similar to how I am now, in ways. She said I have always been very cautious of the type of people I spent my time with, shying away from toxic people. She also pointed out that I have always been a “one friend at a time” girl, getting close with one person for a season before they became part of my circle. It was nice to hear her talk about my teenage self, it helps me to connect/ resonate with that version of myself.

(I will respond to your next reply in a separate message)

With love,

Seaturtles