Dear Anita,

You wrote on November 14, 2023 at 10:23 am:

“I am not sure if my feeling that N doesn’t understand me outside of my cage is me projecting F into him or if it is what is really happening, or both!”- do you understand yourself outside of your cage, do you have a clear image/ understanding of who you are outside the cage?

I mean, if you haven’t fully lived outside the cage yet (beyond doing art, acting in a play, etc.) then you only have a feeling/ an impression, here and there, of what it would feel like, look like, sound like…?

– I think ever since 2018 when I went to Argentina, we haven’t talked much about that I don’t think. I lived there for 6 months, and much more on that for another time if you would like to hear about it. It was my first time living away from my parents, and when I returned I was only home for a short time before I moved 3 hours north for college. Ever since 2018, is what I want to date back to me trying to get to know who I am, and may even be 2017 when I began therapy actually after my failed harm/suicide attempt did not pan out. At that very moment when I didn’t actually get hurt at all I had an overwhelming feeling I still had a purpose on this earth, but I had no idea what.

I grew a lot in 2020 when I lived alone during quarantine, I learned how to be alone with myself and have fun with myself. This year however, has been the most growth in the area of discovery why I feel the way I feel. In 2020 I began to paint more and had a lot of self care nights, although maintained self destructive habits for a while as well, such as over-spending on retail therapy, and a binge and purge (but my purge was working out too much) routine. In 2021 I changed my major to Sociology, one of my first big choices that was not to please anyone but myself. I began to find identity there, learning about myself and my surroundings, it equipped me with the proper questions to ask myself. I met Nathan mid-2021 and I think my self growth and self care took a halt because spending time with him was addicting and momentarily, for about a year pretty much felt like it solved my problems, I was happy and had things to look forward to. Then move to Arizona, his priority was no longer me at the front, it was our roommate C and then N’s company. Living with him, hatchling, I think, was like “um no one is taking care of me what’s happening.” She freaks out and I move out. Now I am resuming the self care and discovery that I began before. I of course grew while I was living with N but it was just much harder with all the triggers being pressed I could barely hear myself think. I do still feel lost sometimes wondering who am I and what is my purpose, but here’s what I think about when I ask myself ‘who am I?” : I am deeply connected to something on this earth, I am sensitive to people’s energies and to the dark and lightness of the world. I am artistic, I can bring things from my head out through my hand onto a surface. I am funny in my own way, People enjoy my ability to laugh at myself and say what is on my mind, I saw what is on my mind. I am trusting, which makes me vulnerable to manipulation. I am a healer of sorts, I know how to change people’s moods, I speak to people how I speak to myself, I am very in tuned with my inner dialogue and this makes me relatable to people. I am a super taster, my senses are sensitive inside and out. I see art and it moves me, I smell and taste food that makes me want to dance, I hear music through my bones. As a child I wasn’t allowed to watch certain things, but I snuck what I wanted to watch, I was always okay with not watching creepy or horror movies or even images. I could not let my mind see those things because of how sensitive I have always been to what I let into me, my imagination has allowed me to fully daydream and pass hours at a time in a daze. I am an optimist, despite having negative days of course, I believe things work out if you put good out it will return to you. I am spiritual as opposed to religious because I try to see the good in something when another person tells me it is wrong, there must be something right if that many people live by it right? I am (almost naturally said my name on here haha kinda want to) I am a Hawaiian flower dipped in Italian sas (yes sas not sauce haha). I am gentle, but I am firm about certain things. I am competitive. I am an empath, seeing people in pain pains me. I am open minded, I clash with closed minded people. I am one with music, I feel it very deeply and can move to the beat very well in different ways, my mom was a dance teacher and my sisters both dance, I watched LOTS of dance growing up and I am a self taught, not by the book at all,  ballerina, and contemporary dancer in my mirrors. I am thoughtful. I am of the Sea. I chose Seaturtle because I have a premonition I was a Seaturtle in a past life. I have been told my face has the shape of a turtle more than once hahaha AND I am deathly afraid of sharks for no reason. Sharks are the animal I am most curious about, they scare me and I am addicted to the fear in a weird way.

I am having imposter syndrome that I am wrong about who I am, but I think it is an illusion that reaches me when my vibrations are low or I am in a negative loop. This is who I am. Putting all of me together and being it all simultaneously is challenging though, and I still have more things to learn I am 24 there is no way I have reached the depths of my soul yet but I feel like my space rocket is at least pointing the right direct. I like that analogy because in space something trajected in one direction will continue on and on unless interrupted and it is how I visualize myself when I wonder if there is any direction in my life or if I am scattered everywhere.

This response got away from me and my creativity entered, I sure hope I know who I am.

-Seaturtle