Dear Anita,

“– If it happened before that he took a phone call 10 minutes or so after the two of you had sex, while you were still naked, and you told him that it bothered you, and then, he did it again, maybe you’d have a legitimate complaint the 2nd time it happened.”

Something similar did happen the weekend before, right after sex he looked at his phone at the time and clicked out of intimacy mode and began speaking as if we were talking business and said he actually wanted to leave earlier than planned as to get more things done with his day. It made me feel transactional and abandoned. It initiated emotions that I exposed to him, I told him I knew he loved me and did not mean that but that I was feeling very sad. After about 30 minutes I came around to him leaving earlier, realizing it was what he wanted and I understood, but I still felt raw from the interaction. So the fact it happened again the very next time we had sex I think played into my response of his phone call within 10 minutes after.

“(2) because depending on how long the list of his behaviors that bother you, it can be too difficult or impossible to remember all on a regular basis. If the list is long.. it’s a walking on egg shells experience for him.”

I certainly do not want to make N feel this way, how F made me feel.

“- you place way, way too much weight on what he said.. reads like he was having a light moment, having some fun following a couple of drinks.. nothing rude or offensive.”

“It seems like what you found offensive was not the words he uttered, but the words that silently crossed your mind about what he said.”

Yes I can see how it was not offensive or rude, it just made me feel suspicious, he went from feeling disconnected into the car to suddenly sweet puppy dog eyes and admitting that he didn’t enjoy seeing me in a role that was sexualized, something he struggled to admit soberly. Yes the offensive part was what crossed my mind here, that he was being inauthentic before saying he was “fine” with everything and didn’t think much of it, when I asked him soberly he seemed surprised as if it was casual.

I could certainly be reading to far into things, but a part of who I think I am is that I can read people and whether it is authentic or not. This scenario felt that way to me. I am afraid of being told that I read the situation wrong because for some reason it feels like it confuses me on who I am if I cannot correctly read when someone is being inauthentic..

“Seaturtle is the part of you who- from some distance from Hatchling, with some objectivity/ looking at the bigger picture- is thinking about what’s best for Hatchling considering hatchling’s feelings and closely associated thoughts, as well as considering past experience and overall goals in regard to healing (the bigger picture), trying to come up with a logical, sensible long-term solution to the conflict that Hatchling is experiencing. An example would be, Seaturtle thinks: Hatchling is conflicted, let me have a talk with her (similar to a parent talking to their scared child) .. And she decides what best for Hatchling based on that talk. Maybe what’s best for Hatchling in this case would be to have N come over for only an hour, a predetermined amount of time.”

-Okay so all the conflict is hatchling, I see, and this aligns with a previous post about Seaturtle being the observer of this conflict between hatch and hatch. My temptation was to cancel on N, but I decided in the end to have him come over for a certain amount of time and not stay the night, which is what you suggested as well and was best. However, when he got there I was in a good mood, we set up the food and cuddled for a minute first, all was well, then something happened and I journaled about it this morning:

“Last night N made me feel like F did when I would feel like I was being manipulated but didn’t have the memory to relay to them exactly what they had done to lead me to feel mistreated. We were eating at the table and he spilled a glass of wine and it went on the table cloth, a Christmas cloth I put out thinking it was mine, but it was actually the one his mom made him. Both startled I wasn’t upset because it was an accident, although sad about the cloth. He then looks at me and says “why is that there!” “Why is my Moms cloth here” I said I didn’t know that was your moms and then he proceeded to tell me how to clean it… he was like “ok so you have to soak it………” this rubbed me the wrong way I said “you assume I will just clean your mess and you don’t even ask me?” He then says “fine I’ll do it I just didn’t  think you would let me” (he is referring to when we are together and I don’t like when he works or gets distracted with things that are outside of our intimate space( I felt this was very manipulative and also putting this stupid wine spill on me and maybe I am thinking too much into it but when he said I wouldn’t let him, was referring to the other day when he took that phone call 10 minutes after sex, proving that he still feels a way about that. He refuses that anything is wrong. After the whole wine spill I let it sit for a minute then it was brought up again and I said I felt there was some passive aggression in his response and also just trying to blame me for something? He refused and said “you’re just sensitive and I love that you’re sensitive” this was so incredibly patronizing and felt the same when he was trying to kiss me on Sunday when clearly there was something in the air. My dad would do this, make me feel like I am just too sensitive and feel things that aren’t necessary. 

N wasn’t always like this, although he has always definitely had a refusal of responsibility response to confrontation, perhaps that is because his mom blamed his dad instead of him when he got in trouble young so he actually doesn’t think things are really his fault?

The passive aggression has been something I have ignored countless times when he says he was joking, but now saying I am just so sensitive and reading into something that is not there…no no that felt patronizing and like he was putting me in a cage I did not like that at all. I can sense energy shifts and he makes me feel crazy for it and that makes me want to run for the hills.

Did I push him to be this way? To patronize my sensitivity and just try to give me kisses and smiles to make me feel like “oh just a cute little girl you are being silly” that is what the undertone of what he said felt to me. Do you think I am reading this wrong? Because if nothing is wrong and it is all actually just me, that is the familiar feeling F left me with very often, it was always my fault but it was ok and he’d give me a hug. 

I feel he gaslit me just like F did when I tried to express to F how I felt about housecleaning. I have not often felt like that with N but last night and the drive to my play on Sunday I did, like he tried to make me feel crazy and over-reading into things but I really don’t think I am. “

” (2) there is a close correlation between taking drugs and having spiritual experiences: this is what the 1960s counter culture generation was about”

Interesting, I would like to learn more about this. The next morning when I googled nicotine and spiritual attacks, I ran into an article about native Americans practicing something similar.

“Don’t seek more spiritual awakenings by vaping more.. it doesn’t work on the long-run.”

I think it would be helpful for me to do some research here so to avoid a temptation of seeking a spiritual experience through it again. However this time for the second time having such terrible dreams, feeling spiritually attacked I feel that is enough to keep me from it. My only concern would be that I get to a point of wanted to feel spiritually connected again, but that has never been my reasoning for wanting it the other times it was always to just relax, now I know that is not it’s true purpose. But I don’t want to get addicted to the most addictive drug, so perhaps I need other ways to feel spiritually connected so I do not crave it for that reason.

“– (1) reads to me that you were afraid of losing me/ my support here.. to the overwhelm factor..? No worries, hatchling. I like you!  You are not too much for me!  (2)You are both welcome, Seaturtle and hatch!”

thank you for saying this, I was feeling afraid to lose you. This made me smile 🙂 thank you ❤️ (I just look up ‘heart to copy and paste’ on google haha)

Seaturtle and hatch