Dear Seaturtle:

“Something similar did happen the weekend before, right after sex he looked at his phone at the time and clicked out of intimacy mode… It made me feel transactional and abandoned… I told him I knew he loved me and did not mean that but that I was feeling very sad…  So the fact it happened again the very next time we had sex I think played into my response of his phone call within 10 minutes after”-

– Only part of you knew that he didn’t mean for you to feel transactional and abandoned. The other part of you.. is not so sure, is it? I am quite sure that he didn’t mean it, and I know that he is not at all responsible for you feeling transactional and abandoned. Part of you holds him responsible.

You know what a huge part a phone plays in people’s lives, people who don’t work or run a business. N running a business that heavily relies on phone calls explains to me why he was on the phone some time after sex.

“I certainly do not want to make N feel this way, how F made me feel” you wrote in regard to N possibly walking on eggshells around you. To stop getting triggered by him, you’d have to take full responsibility for feeling transactional and abandoned, a feeling that dominated a significant part of your growing up years. Way before you met N for the first time.

“it just made me feel suspicious, he went from feeling disconnected into the car to suddenly sweet puppy dog eyes…  what crossed my mind here, that he was being inauthentic”-

– I wrote the above (about part of you not knowing that he didn’t mean to make you feel badly) before I read the part of you feeling suspicious of him. You’ve been suspicious of him for a long time. No wonder you had such a difficult time when you lived with him.. Living with a Suspect, always on guard..?

“I could certainly be reading to far into things, but a part of who I think I am is that I can read people and whether it is authentic or not“- (1)  Nobody is authentic all of the time.. and no one is exact in what they say to the extent that there are never contradictions in what they say. (2) You are looking for evidence against the Suspect, looking at any possible mismatch between what he says, his facial expressions.. looking for evidence of deceit.

“This scenario felt that way to me. I am afraid of being told that I read the situation wrong because for some reason it feels like it confuses me on who I am if I cannot correctly read when someone is being inauthentic..”-

– I don’t think that you read the situation wrong in that indeed at times he is inauthentic, but so am I, and so are you. Actually, it is highly recommended that people will not be authentic when, for example, they feel so angry at their boss, that they want to punch him or her in the face!

Let’s take a less extreme example: let’s say I was N, watching you in the play, dressed in such a way that part of your chest was showing. Let’s say I felt uncomfortable about other men watching you. I wouldn’t want to be authentic and tell you right there and then about my discomfort because I would ALSO feel that you were having a good time acting, and I wouldn’t want to rain on your parade, so to speak, by criticizing how you were dressed. Then later, the part of me that was not all-the-way okay with it will interject somewhat.

People are complex.. not much is simple and straightforward all the time. So, part of a conflicted person expresses itself at one time, another part expresses itself at another time.. Not because of deceit but because of complexity.

“My temptation was to cancel on N, but I decided in the end to have him come over for a certain amount of time and not stay the night, which is what you suggested as well and was best. However, when he got there I was in a good mood, we set up the food and cuddled for a minute first, all was well, then something happened and I journaled about it this morning: ‘Last night N made me feel like F did when I would feel like I was being manipulated“-

– Here it is: there was deceit on the part of your father (F). You didn’t get that situation wrong. You understood it correctly.

“We were eating at the table and he spilled a glass of wine and it went on the table cloth… I said I felt there was some passive aggression in his response and also just trying to blame me for something? He refused and said ‘you’re just sensitive and I love that you’re sensitive’ this was so incredibly patronizing and felt the same when he was trying to kiss me on Sunday when clearly there was something in the air. My dad would do this, make me feel like I am just too sensitive and feel things that aren’t necessary“-

– When I read that N said that he loves that you are sensitive, I viewed it positively, as in him expressing that he loves you just the way you are. I didn’t read in what he said any criticism or patronizing.  I think that you accurately understood back then and now who F is. You did not imagine F’s dishonesty, passive-aggression, blaming you, patronizing of you and expressing to you that you are just too sensitive and feeling things that are not necessary/ true.

As often is the case, we project a difficult parent into a romantic partner, often inaccurately.

“he actually doesn’t think things are really his fault?“- you asked about N. I’ll ask you: F actually doesn’t think things are really his fault, does he?

“he makes me feel crazy for it and that makes me want to run for the hills”- who is “he“, really?

“To patronize my sensitivity and just try to give me kisses and smiles to make me feel like ‘oh just a cute little girl you are being silly’ that is what the undertone of what he said felt to me. Do you think I am reading this wrong? Because if nothing is wrong and it is all actually just me, that is the familiar feeling F left me with very often, it was always my fault but it was ok and he’d give me a hug“-

– I know that you did not read ANY of it wrong when it came to your Father. You are re-experiencing your father through N. It feels like it’s about N.. doesn’t it? That’s the nature of (inaccurate) projection, it feels real, it feels accurate.

The extent and consistency of your projection of F into N makes me think that F is/ has been extremely difficult to live with, while you were growing up.

“he tried to make me feel crazy and over-reading into things but I really don’t think I am“-

– Your father tried to make you feel crazy and over-reading into things, but I KNOW that you didn’t over-read into F’s words, expressions and behaviors. You perceived him accurately. When the part of you that believes your father (the part that sides with your father’s dishonest manipulations and crazy-making behaviors) sides with the part of you who knows the truth… you will no longer project F into N.

“I don’t want to get addicted to the most addictive drug, so perhaps I need other ways to feel spiritually connected so I do not crave it for that reason”-

– Spiritually connect with the truth and disconnect from your father’s untruths. What he told you was NOT true. It was not true that you were too sensitive and imagining things that were not true. No.. it’s your father who gaslit you. Hold him responsible for what he did to you.

Please take your time with this post and tell me how you feel.

anita