Dear Seaturtle:

I just returned from a chilly 3.5 mile pre-Thanksgiving meal and- on my walk- I added (in my mind) the following to my post above regarding authenticity and complexity: in the example of N’s feelings regarding your costume in the play, I figure he genuinely felt- at least for a moment or two-  that the costume exposed too much of your chest area and he genuinely cared about how you feel, not wanting to spoil your after-performance celebration, so he inhibited how he felt about your costume. Later on, after some alcohol, inhibitions lessened, he made a mild comment about the costume.

But notice this: he felt TWO genuine feelings at the same time (dislike of part of the costume and caring about your feelings). To authentically express one, he had to inhibit the other. This is what I mean by complexity.

anita