Dear Anita,

I read your whole post, from November 25, 2023 at 10:21 am, this morning, I let it resonate and continued to ask myself the question you asked me to ask hatchling about what makes her feel safe. Now I will respond in order to one prompt at a time.

“How am I supposed to truly know the difference between manipulation/dishonesty and truth?“- identify in detail F’s dishonesty.

-I will attempt to journal more about this.

Everything you said about an unequal transactional relationship resonates with me. And your solution to my question “Seaturtle will need to validate hatch having been right all along” is something I can visualize doing and look forward to.

“– So this was one of those other arguments I was wondering about.. I am getting to know an N that I do not like.”

I would like to elaborate on this and tell you about how our evening and day together, went this weekend. I brought up both circumstances, saying the word I did not like, and then when he asked me where my money came from leading to a f*** you.

N’s natural sate is not rude, he is usually very sweet and I feel like his recent rudeness has been acting out of some resentment towards me… where exactly this comes from is unclear to me. My prediction would be that he resents me not paying him rent while I lived with him for a year. Another prediction is that he doesn’t think I contribute enough to the future of our relationship.

Saturday: So originally, and up until last Wednesday the 22nd, our plans were to spend this whole weekend together, since my play had taken up most of my weekends and prevented us from spending consecutive days together. On Wednesday he tells me he actually has to work Saturday morning. I was sad for obvious reasons as this is a pattern in our relationship. He apologized, said he felt badly that his work week was bleeding into Saturday and that he was still trying to learn how to schedule clients for his company and what not. When my mom was in town (I will tell more about this eventually) I told her how I struggled when N was late or postponed/shortened our time together. My mom told me that my dad was often late and sometimes did not show up to a dinner, he previously said he would, at all. She said he would often go to the country club to either play poker or golf, causing him to skip dinners with us. I realized then that my dad did not want to be home and would choose things to procrastinate being with us, I made the connection to projecting this on to N. I react to his tardiness as if he does not want to spend so much time with me, but that is projecting F into N. Having said all this when N said he was working Saturday morning I was not nearly as triggered and I believe it was because I relieved the projection of F. However the followed as such; He texted me Saturday morning he would actually be over around noon, I said ok. Then noon hit and he called me and said actually it was going to be around 2 or 3, I said ok. 2:45 approaches, he texts me that he is leaving and will arrive at 3:30pm. 3:30pm occurs, no N. He gets to my apartment at 4pm. I was crafting and decided not to let his lateness harm my day of self care. I cared more about the fact he said 3:30 and showed up at 4pm, this final act of disrespect? effected me more than the rest of his time changes, especially that he didn’t acknowledge this one. was slightly stand off-ish when he got there, just physically I was not able to let him hug me, I smiled but I needed space. After about 10 minutes I approached him for a good hug.

Saturday night: We sat on the porch and I brought up the argument where he said words don’t matter. I said, “I have thought about this a lot and I do agree that I do not want other peoples words to affect me so intensely, as to avoid being swung in different directions all the time. Although words/ as in literal letters, are irrelevant, what is behind them carries weight.” In the conversation he was understanding and we both came to an agreement that words are like vessels for something that does carry weight, happy we found a middle ground there. He revoked his absolute comment about words not being meaningless, and agreed that they often do. I then started to speak about how words mean alot to me, I told him about my experience with the nicotine and how I was spiritually attacked, I told him about how I recognized which enemies I was facing, intimidation, fear…etc. I said “They lose their power once you name them and dismiss them” This is a good example of a conversation he doesn’t fully follow because he doesn’t see the world as I do, in that there is a spiritual warfare going on where there is darkness and lightness all around us. He listened, but his responses told me he did not understand, but he did not seem to judge. He said “as long as you don’t start speaking to crystals and such” I didn’t love this comment because it felt like he was making fun of me slightly but I don’t think he was I think he just doesn’t understand. Which I don’t know if it is important to be compatible in this area or we can just be different here and him being more earthly and grounded can balance me? not sure.

We went to dinner. He often tells me he works so hard for us with long hours and stuff like this. I kept this in mind while he worked during the day, I told myself, don’t be upset with him he is doing this for us and still learning. When we were getting ready for dinner I asked if we could go bowling after dinner, he said “if you can pay for it,” I then said I could not. I then decided to say exactly what came to my mind, calmly and with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand. “You say that when you work so hard, and it takes you away from me, is because you want to work hard so that we can do cool things. So when you work hours into our time together today, that is not so we can do things like go bowling?” This question made him think. My roommate M then got home, the three of us had to return some chairs we borrowed from the apartment complex for thanksgiving, so when she arrived we figured we should get that done. Carrying the chairs over, N was very silent, I was just talking with M. She is a nurse and said she was happy to get her fourth day in a row of 12 hour shifts off, she was saying “three 12 hour shifts are just my max, I am so glad they let me take the fourth day off, I might go visit my mom this week now!”

Fastforward to now me and N getting in the car to leave for dinner. He was still very quiet, I asked him if he was tired and he said he wasn’t. I asked him what he was thinking about, he said he didn’t understand how me and M don’t work more hours. Her comment about not wanting to work more than three 12-hour shifts confused him, he as he has worked 24hr shifts and multiple 12’s in a row. He said he didn’t understand, “I would not be okay with only working three days a week while living in an apartment I rent” as opposed to a purchased home. I explained that M and I were different, she planned on her income being the same for years to come, but I am still in a place of finding where I am going. We got to the dinner spot and realized it was a place we had already been and he said the place was expensive, hungry and now getting annoyed I told him to help me find a place if he wanted to be particular. I found another place, he is not good with finding restaurants as he doesn’t pay attention to store hours and reviews like I do. After we ordered food at the counter, he paid and I hugged him and said thank you, it was an impulse not a plan. He got weird and did not hug me back. We got to the table and I asked him what was bothering him, he said he didn’t need a thank you from me and it bothered him for some reason. Our car conversation came back up, I asked him if he felt I was contributing to our future. He said “I just wish you knew what it was to sacrifice in the now for the future” I responded telling him all the work I am doing on myself. I explained how consuming this process is, my inner child work and also trying to find out my place in the world and how I am to contribute. I told him I sacrificed in the relationship by being the one to bring up conversations that needed to be had and he didn’t speak about unless I brought it up or it was seriousness enough in his eyes. He still thought I worried about things that didn’t need it. Again I explained to him all the inner work I am doing and how that benefits us both, as I am no longer blaming him for my feelings and my patience with his tardiness has increased. When I told him my dad would avoid being home, he admitted that is what he felt he was accused of when I would get upset with his lateness, he understood this was part of my inner child work. By the end he seemed to understand where my effort was going and there was not a lack of effort on my part in the goals of our relationship.

Sunday: We had a nice day, it was a fun breakfast and we went to an art store for the sales and I enjoyed that alot with a gift card I recently got. Actually on our drive he said the “c” word again, but this time in a much better mood he caught himself and said “oh sorry” and corrected his wording. I appreciated this, confirming to me he had been acting out of a bad attitude before it is not who he is. We then went home for some art, leftover thanksgiving food and cartoons. We smoked a bit of marijuana, I hadn’t in a while and he wanted to, plus I have enjoyed art while doing that before and it sounded enjoyable. I enjoyed parts of it, but I did not feel at peace. I felt self conscious about the art I was doing and I felt judgmental of what he was doing, an icky feeling I couldn’t shake, I blame the marijuana on this and feel I should only do it alone right now because it only makes me feel further from him. He left naturally and the day ended well. It was fun, but it was not very relaxing for me I felt overly aware of the environment and not able to just completely relax and BE. It was one of the few days we have gone through without a single argument, yet I didn’t feel in full expression of myself, so perhaps that is why? Or am I projecting again, since F did not understand me.

“Ask Hatch what makes/ made her feel safe through the years, will you? Ask her to speak to you as you type away whatever she says here on your thread (no wrong answers). Let her speak to you in her own child-like words…?”

The tv show friends, being alone, dark rooms when I am panicked, friends who understand my humor, my friend Paris, My sister Alia, My aunt Lashawna, plans, my uncle Korban, trips to Hawaii to see my Oma, pool days, feeling confident about my clothes and that they match who I am, soccer, my mom when she would solve things for me, when my dad would play crossword puzzles with me before bed and accidentally fall asleep in my room, my grandmas house, my grandma, plants, music, being not seen…but also being seen, adults that I trusted (in past), when my dad wasn’t treating me like I was suspicious/doing anything wrong, when I am trusted and believed, loved, when N communicates with me about timing of seeing eachother and any changes, I feel safe with a slow communicated pace of change, When I take care of myself. Warmth as opposed to cold. 

I will continue to ask myself this. Are these the type of answers you were talking about?

I will read your next reply and I am hoping to respond this evening, but maybe in the morning.

Love, Seaturtle