Dear Anita,

Last night, I spent the evening with my roommate M, and I told her about me and N. When she first moved in we spoke a little about my relationship but I didn’t want to tell her things that I wasn’t sure about, that she might judge me or N for, and because she will be around N. I still now hope it was the right choice, I have just felt like you are the only person I can talk to about this and I needed to open up to someone vocally about it. Our conversation ended with me saying it was going to end soon, but I am not sure when and that I don’t feel ready. But will I ever? My concern right now is that Christmas is approaching and I wonder if I should do it before then, so that I can go to see my family alone and they can be of support for the first week. However, that means I would have to be ready to end things in the next couple weeks and that is scary.

This morning I wrote a poem, I’d like to read you, and see what you think of me giving this to him either after we end things or in person and use it as my way of ending things.. not sure I just want to do what is best for both of us, causes the least pain and also leaves us both understanding what just happened and, at least vaguely, why.

To N

I don’t want to leave my bed,

it’s warm under the covers

and it’s cold out there.

Plus, there’s a man called

Nathanael who melts into

my skin & like the ocean

it binds like one.

His hair is smooth and soothing

to touch, as is his back,

warm to the bone.

In bed we play games, throw

pillows and suck face,

we even get to talking

and gaze into space.

The way he sees the stars

is a melody new to my ears,

I think “yea” I could listen

to this song for years.

* * *

But help me Universe I feel

conflicted,

is it possible the love here is

constricted?

I can’t tell what I feel but

I do not like it,

“it will all be ok i am going

to fight it.”

 

Day after day coming home

from battle

Nathanael tells me what

I worry about

does not matter.

 

I ask him please come to

therapy, or let’s take a small

break?

He says not, suck it up it’s

only an ache.

 

“ache”

Dear ache, why do you

bother? is it all because

of my father?

Oh yes! perhaps i can

solve all of it myself!

take responsibility for my part.

But wait…in the mean time,

this growth, this battle…

he doesn’t even start?

 

I am fighting alone in

the world of connection.

Confused and alone while

he’s right by my side.

 

We argue about nothing,

the c-word, the cash.

But not 10 minutes later

when i ask,

“how do you feel?” (as we

had just fought)

All he says is “are you

bothered??? I’m not?”

I don’t understand this

lack of awareness,

“I have to be the constant

communication?”

*enter unfairness*

 

“I’ll be there all day.”

“no 12”

“actually 2”

Calls me “see you at 3:30”

Enters the door at 4.

 

As he sits on the couch like

nothing is wrong,

I feel exhausted, for I am sick of

my own; communication song.

I sit and I wonder, do I bring

this up?

Or will he be annoyed..there’s

no way to win.

 

I love this bed, don’t get

me wrong

It’s comforting and beautiful,

what could go wrong?

 

Do I worry about nothing?

No I do not.

 

This next one won’t be so easy

to proceed,

I’m also assuming it won’t be easy

to read.

 

I know you so hate to be

controlled,

Yet ironic to not be you must

have it hold.

See here’s the thing about a

dynamic,

If you can’t rely on one half

the other must control it.

 

At some point you started to

see me as weaker,

“you care about things that

do not matter”

 

If I “waste my time” you

can’t think much of it.

You think my strengths a

weakness but you’re wrong.

 

I see, I feel, I touch, I

smell.

to certain things I am

repelled.

You think it’s fear, but it is

not.

I can sense when an area is

rot.

 

As much as I love this bed

we are in,

it is starting to smell deep

within.

I tried to pick up the pieces on

my own,

but I was not strong enough

alone.

 

You claim it is not about

the money

But you see, it is, it controls

you, honey.

I do not mean to sound

condescending,

But admit it, you think I owe

you something.

 

Your lack of trust in me

has lead,

You to rely on only you in

our bed.

 

Since you can’t rely on me

your head spun you lies, and said

“control her or your future

will be the one that dies.”

 

But it was a lie don’t you

see?

The truth was only to trust

me.

 

I want to be believed

in, seen as strong,

Not just someone who “worries”

about nothing” all day long.

 

I ask you “am I special?”

you want to know why?

Cause I want to see if you

see me, not just

with your eyes.

 

I talk to trees and spirits

and rocks,

how dare you tell me not to

speak with the crystals…

See, you don’t see me, you

cannot.

 

This world has more depth

than you give it credit,

It is not just dirt and

things you can build with.

There’s a spiritual world,

that I am in-tune with.

If you can’t see the value,

then we are too different.

 

It is now at the point

where I value myself more

than you do me. which is

why this must end

Because I am stronger,

just me.

 

This is the hardest thing

I’ve ever done…

Gave up on a friend who I’ve loved

since day one.

I know it’s a cliche to

say “let’s be friends”

But personally I’ll tell you

it doesn’t feel like the end.

 

I know they say “everything

happens for a reason”

but I don’t know I believe this,

can’t the world just be random?

However, I wonder, if meeting online,

messed with our hearts, our meeting

timeline.

Who knows what’s to come

but I’ve cherished you SO.

This end will be painful please

take care of yourself.