Dear Anita,

I am recently, ever since you have started to see a more rounded image of N, confused about whether or not he is intentionally being controlling or gaslighting and if we just have different views that lead to this dynamic. I am not sure but I elaborate in this reply best I can.

“- so far, in your poem, you didn’t indicate, not even suggest, any reason for you to feel constricted by N, all that you shared about him is gloriously positive, just like it’s been on your thread. This is why, for the longest time, I thought that your conflict, the constriction you mentioned here, in your poem, had nothing to do with N and everything to do with F whom, I thought, you inaccurately projected into N. “

-In all honesty I am still not totally sure if this constriction has everything to do with N, I am suspicious of it still mainly having to do with F. I think it’s possible N is similar to F in ways, which makes it even harder to distinguish.

“I didn’t know that you suggested couple therapy to N and he refused?”

Yes I suggested it back when we were living together, on multiple occasions and every time his response is “I am not going to talk to someone who doesn’t know me at all for advice.” He is very skeptical. I think if I paid for it and completely set it up and asked him to go, for me, I think he would but I don’t have the funds alone.

You wrote: “we had just fought)/ All he says is ‘are you bothered??? I’m not?’ I don’t understand this/ lack of awareness“- this right here is very important part in shining light into the relationship that I wasn’t adequately aware of: his response indicates that he negates the reality of what just happened: there WAS a FIGHT.  Either he is like Teflon, and fighting slides off him like oil off Teflon (which was not the case in the c-word incident, the bad driver did not slide off N), OR N is CONTROLLING your mind, or trying to control your brain: your brain is telling you correctly that there was a fight and therefore, the fight left some distress behind it. N tells your brain: Brain, you are Wrong, there was no fight.”

-See I am conflicted here as well. Mostly I have gotten the teflon impression. I don’t think he is trying to control my mind. It is outside of his character to advertently try to control me. For one, one of his biggest “red flags” when working with people or with his friend selections, is if the person is trying to behave how they think he wants them to. N does not like when people are not telling him their real feelings. Although F is like this as well, he often feels people tell him what they want to hear… I am confused again, I really am not sure if it is manipulation or teflon, he genuinely does not let it bother him.

“- something IS wrong but N says nothing is wrong, something must be wrong with Seaturtle’s perception then.. her brain must not perceive/ process information correctly.”

Yes, this is exactly what happens in my head and it is very confusing. Cause it makes me wonder if I am infact creating the issue myself.

” When the deception of the person who is engaging in gaslighting is questioned, they often react by dismissing the accusation as a delusion, an emotional reaction, or an overreaction—thus conditioning the person to internalize those assessments””

F did this for sure. As far as N, I am not 100% He has definitely dismissed accusations as delusional, but are they? Are they projections of F onto him? It is very hard for me to label N as gaslighting, and I am not sure why, I feel defensive of him. I feel guilt for doubting him behind his back. This is a new feeling. What I am wrong and judging him when I am the one who is projecting and accusing him of everything my father was, when he infact is doing his best for this to be an equal partnership…

“- Nothing is wrong.. not because nothing is wrong, but because N SAYS (or suggests by his silence that) nothing is wrong.”

He is silent alot.

” Those being gaslighted must learn that they do not need others to validate their reality, and they need to gain self-reliance and confidence in defining their own reality”.”

I feel this now! I feel like my dad gaslit me so badly that now I am confused about my own reality. I need validation about what I see and feel, when my partner doesn’t validate these things I feel lost like I am just delusional or have some sort of personality disorder for feeling sometimes I see him as perfect (like you have met him through me so far) and other times feeling like he could be completely manipulating me.

Wear Out the Victim. By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down their victim, who becomes discouraged, resigned, pessimistic, fearful, debilitated, and self-doubting. The victim begins to question her or his own perception, identity, and reality.

-I constantly felt this way with my dad.

-Is is possible N is doing this by accident? Like he is Teflon, literally does not think anything is wrong, so when I say there is he literally does not understand.

I think he is out of touch with what bothers him, and subconsciously acts passive aggressively. When I confront him about being passive aggression he does not like it, he refuses but I know he is sometimes.

“- his fear of being controlled motivates him to control.”

Right, but does he know this?

you wrote: he needs you to think that you are weak. If you believe that you are strong, in his mind, it means that he is weak. So he needs you to feel weak, mentally weak. It reminds me of the quote above: “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.“

-So my dad 100% is this way, trying to be tall by cutting of the heads of others, no doubt he is this way.

– N doesn’t do this, I don’t think.. He encouraged me to do the play! He encourages me to paint. He wants me to grow? We talk alot about philosophy and he often shares about things he learned from football. He talks alot about being mentally resilient in order to achieve peace. He values peace, more than anything. We disagree on how to get it though. He thinks you simply don’t let outside factors bother you => Peace. I believe you learn how to navigate your body through or around the outside factors, through introspection and awareness. N brings the people around him up, I think? He encourages his friends and works with others very well. He tends to give more than he receives in his friendships, from my perspective, but he sees their value in a way I don’t.

Tonight we have a date to talk about some things, I brought up the two scenarios (c word and cash at grocery store) and how they were controlling, although he asked how and I couldn’t quite explain, I explained more so about how him being late often is controlling as I am just waiting for him. But he claims this is not planned, and I believe him. I think it is more of a priority issue? He prioritizes finishing a project at work than being on time for our dates.

We argued this weekend over a few things I don’t really have the energy to hash back out on here but it ended with him actually suggesting at our next date we say something we would like the other to change for us, something we will change for the other and I suggested also something we like about the other. This settled out argument and that date is tonight and I am anxious for it.

I will write about our date tomorrow.

Seaturtle