Dear Anita,

In response to your reply from 11:44am.

“Yes I suggested (couples therapy) back when we were living together, on multiple occasions and every time his response is ‘I am not going to talk to someone who doesn’t know me at all for advice.’“- yes, I remember now, you shared this before. His response suggests to me that he doesn’t WANT to be known (by someone who might get it right about who he is) because then he’d lose his power advantage.

-I don’t think so… I think he is afraid of being misunderstood by them and then being accused of being a bad guy.

“He is perhaps gaslighting himself and gaslighting you at the same time.”

I think this is true.

“If he resists your input, calling it wrong.. then he is closed to self reflection and positive change.”

I do need to make sure with him that he is open to positive change and self reflection. I mean he did tell me how to approach him, above when I mentioned him saying to talk to him with a non-emotional tone when he is being that way and he will do his best to answer, beginning some introspection.

“– You, Seaturtle, are an outside force to him and when in conflict.. he teflons you: he doesn’t let you- an outside factor- bother him.”

This is sad and I hope possible to change? I wonder if I show him that I am truly there for him and won’t leave him that he will be vulnerable enough with me to allow me to affect him, I know I already do to an extent. If I were to end things he would certainly be sad I know that, when I am disappointed in him for something he does care, then we get to an area of certain times I am bothered he does not care. But I think he is starting to care more and more, especially as I show him I am willing to work with him on these things and not give up, I could tell he felt connected to me last night when he saw that I wasn’t giving up on him after he told me all those issues he has with self/social awareness.

I wrote: “N brings the people around him up, I think? He encourages his friends and works with others very well. He tends to give more than he receives in his friendships, from my perspective, but he sees their value in a way I don’t”-

-I don’t think I meant for a question mark here, he does as far as I know is what I meant, as far as what I have seen and heard from his friends. his friends from back home are nothing but positive about N, they say “you got a good one” to me, I have heard this many times from various people in different places and occasions.

“I wonder why I was drawn to someone like this, I chose to be with N for so long“- because.. N is such an improvement over F, being the covert, milder form of gaslighter…?

-Probably yes.

On the frog and Scorpion story, I hope this isn’t the case.

I still don’t fully know what to do in the relationship, I definitely feel better that I know my feelings have not been wrong and that I have just been dealing with someone socially immature. Will this work? I do not know, but it is certainly better than him doing it on purpose with manipulative intentions. Is this Seaturtles journey? to help N? is that in or out of a relationship with him? Will I destroy his ability to be vulnerable with another if I abandon him… I see him as a delicate n now, and want to help him. I feel I have my power back and I am aware how it got taken away.

Seaturtle