Dear Anita,

I read your message and will respond more later, I only have a couple minutes, but need to express/ask. How was I so badly tricked? there was real love in the relationship right?

“– this reminds me of the game you were playing at his parents’ home, the one where he gloated about winning and you losing: in the relationship with you, he thought he was winning because he made all the .. right manipulative moves (ex., appearing empathetic and deflecting responsibility), and he’s surprised and upset that he lost the game.”

this is exactly how it felt to me, he lost. His lack of ability to see why something would be hurtful to me drove my crazy. I no see that when he was sad he wasn’t sad because I told him I didn’t feel he gave me words of affirmations, he was sad because he was upset at his inability to see how he was not giving it already, he thought he was “portraying” it so well. wow. Ever since your very first bringing up the words “controlling” and “gaslighting” I have seen him as if he is another person, when away from him. When he is infront of my face he still seems genuine in the face…but before when we were apart I remembered that genuine face, now when when I see him in my head it is a person with a mask on, false and trying so hard to portray things that he did not actually feel. Why did it take me so long to see his lack of feeling? I mean i definitely saw it, and pointed it out several times but I guess I just believed him when he would be sad (sad he was not portraying it correctly) and he would change (only temporarily because it was not natural to him). I tried so hard to help him see me.

Seeing his face is like medusa, but instead of turn to stone I am mesmerized and have empathy…but not looking into his eyes I see someone incapable of empathy…I am afraid to fall for this again. I also wish somehow I could show him what he looks like to me now. I feel strange that I did not know who he truly was for so long, was there truly nothing real? This reminds me of when I gave him the engraved wallet (a thoughtful gift I had always wanted from him but his gifts were not this way they were what I needed or very by the book, haha makes sense now!) his reaction to the wallet was immediate tears…he cried when he read the poem on the wallet and the love letter, but the weird part is later he said “I don’t know why I cried” this was weird to me… it scares me that he was this out of touch. Although I have alot of emotions over the breakup I also feel relieved still, waking up lighter. It is just such a weird, uncomfortable, icky, confusing, saddening, scary feeling that I did not know who I was really with…

Seaturtle