Hi Anita

So much has been going on, I apologize. I hope you are well. I recently got Medicaid without even understanding how it happened, and as soon as I got approved I was pretty much (but not officially yet) offered a full time position (but no increase in pay or position) at my main job. This means I will lose Medicaid if I accept the full time, so I’ve been grappling with that decision the past few days. I also have my birthday coming up this Saturday and have been having a hard time coming to terms with turning 32 and feeling the way I do currently. I told myself I would go out and do something different and special for myself this year, alone… but finances of course haven’t worked out. I’m just too heartbroken to enjoy anything. This time last year I was celebrating my birthday with him and it was such a great weekend – he told me he loved me for the first time that weekend. Also, I’m on a waiting list for counseling. I went to my ENT appointment and my doctor concluded that the lump in my neck is most likely a swollen lymph node and it’s inflamed due to a skin condition that I have developed on my scalp. He thinks it’s yet another autoimmune issue that has manifested as a skin condition, basically. Very relevant to what you and I were discussing months ago. He saw I had Medicaid and scheduled me an ultrasound on my neck and referred me to a dermatologist for the skin condition on my scalp. It’s been life-changing to have some financial assistance in just the few days I’ve had it. Just updating you on the current situation.

You mentioned in your post about me being chosen over other girls and how special that made me feel, and how much losing that affected me. That’s the biggest thing I’m dealing with, aside from feeling lied to and pitied this whole time. He didn’t even try to defend me and reassure me that he still found me attractive despite finding other females attractive, he just shut down and defended them. But he is entitled to feel controlled and put off by it. It just wasn’t my intention. I creeped on his profile the other night and he posted an Instagram Story at Dollywood in Tennessee. – a place we were planning on going with his sister and her kids at one point. I don’t see how going there and posting that, knowing I would see it doesn’t bother him. I would personally never post and gloat about going somewhere we were supposed to go together just months after breaking up, especially if I was the dumper. And he’s done it with other special places for us. Like you’ve mentioned, his brain is wired differently from mine and I have to accept that. If he’s truly happier without me, I guess it’s better it ended when it did. He really decided his life would be better without having me in it ever again without any of my input… I still can’t wrap my head around this. I wish I could believe that saying, “If it’s meant for you, it won’t pass you/you can’t mess it up.” I think sometimes people can mess up a good opportunity. But I have to try to find faith in some way. I pray a lot but the shame and embarrassment eats away at me daily.

“Everyone in my life has expressed to me how difficult I can be“- difficult as a result of having been treated un-special, un-chosen and un-adored for too long. Who wouldn’t be difficult with this kind of experience…? — I cannot shake how this summer every single person in my life relayed the same feedback to me about how I was affecting them… almost word for word the same. It has permanently affected my self-worth. My best friend who admitted to having to ghost me for her mental health is still not back in the picture. I have to respect that for her.

“– if it’s not drawing or painting or poetry.. how about a story, that’s a form of literature you didn’t mention. You can type a story, your story- of any length- right here on your thread..?” — I’ve been trying to think about this. I’m not good at writing or creating stories and it frustrates me when I try, so maybe not. I do think me journaling here has helped but I know I have a tendency to go overboard with my processing and rumination.