Dear Julia:

You shared (I am paraphrasing a bit, with quotes) that your childhood included lots of unprocessed trauma, verbal and emotional abuse. As a result, as a younger adult, you didn’t know who you were, didn’t know your boundaries, and made bad choices in relationships, such as to “flee at the first sign of trouble in any kind of relationship” because of fear of abandonment.

About four years ago (2019), you started to work on your trauma, embarking on “a personal growth journey… changing and growing so much“. You ended toxic friendships, learned to set boundaries, to communicate you needs and to advocate for yourself. Initially you set too many boundaries, which shut a lot of people out, but you corrected and “found a happy middle ground“.

You made new friends and dated, but not yet adequately settled into the new you, not being ready, “nothing really grew into anything close… no relationship turned into something deeper”. Currently- in this holiday season- feeling more settled into the new-you, you put yourself out there, but find yourself “really lonely and lost“.

You asked: “Anyone have any advice on how to move forward?“- first, congratulations for the first four years of your personal growth journey, a journey of learning and transforming yourself to the New Julia!

The journey needs to not end but continue with new learnings and adjustments to new learnings that will bring about healthy, deep friendships/ relationship into your life. New learnings must not undo past learnings that are part of your personal growth journey, but instead, expand on past learnings.

I don’t know what new learnings need to take place (and there will always more to learn), so I will be using a few quotes from a book I never read, The Untethered Soul, quotes I find very meaningful, so to suggest possibilities. I hope to read from you next about what may apply to you and in what ways. (I will be adding the boldface feature to the following):

“The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from your experiences. You were not put on earth to suffer”.

“The alternative is to decide not to fight with life. You realize and accept that life is not under your control. Life is continuously changing, and if you’re trying to control it, you’ll never be able to fully live it. Instead of living life, you’ll be afraid of it”.

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life”.

“Just relieve your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside”.

“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left”.

“In truth, pain is the price of freedom. And the moment you are willing to pay that price, you will no longer be afraid. The moment you are not afraid of the pain, you’ll be able to face all of life’s situations without fear”.

“One of the most important areas requiring change is how we solve our personal problems. We normally attempt to solve our inner disturbances by protecting ourselves. Real transformation begins when you embrace your problems as agents of growth“.

“When you feel pain, simply view it as energy… Then relax. Do the opposite of contracting and closing. Relax and release… You must be willing to be present right at the place of the tightness and pain, and then relax and go even deeper. This is very deep growth and transformation…  As you relax and feel the resistance, the heart will want to pull away, to close, to protect, and to defend itself. Keep relaxing. Relax your shoulders and relax your heart. Let go and give room for the pain to pass through you. It’s just energy. Just see it as energy and let it go”. (quotes from The Untethered Soul).

anita