Dear Seaturtle:

I wrote to you: “it is sad that in your efforts to help him, you’d be  allowing him to destroy you.”, and your response:  “yes true. a tragic Shakespearean love story, where she debates to be or not to be…“-

– You said it. So the question is to be you or to be only a small part of you, because the price to pay for a life with N is that a huge part of you will be caged, not allowed to be.

Put in another way, the price for a life with N is blocked chakras. From mind valley. com: “Your chakras can be blocked by life challenges. It can manifest as something physical (like a never-ending migraine) or even emotional (like self-doubt). Here are a few more blocked chakra symptoms that are telltale signs you need to open your chakras: * Difficulty sleeping * Difficulty concentrating * Chronic depression or anxiety * Mood swings * Trouble communicating * Difficulty connecting with others * Feeling ‘stuck’”-

– How many of these symptoms did you experience while living with N?

The source continues to list the seven chakras and the symptoms of blockage for each chakra. Here are a few symptoms of a blocked chakras that (I think) you experienced with N: “Feeling you are not good enough the way you are” (a blocked Root chakra), “The distrust that you can be loved for being you” (a blocked Sacral chakra), “Giving your power away to others as you feel this is necessary to keep peace in relationships (a blocked Solar plexus chakra),  “Fear of commitment and feeling like you have to please others to be loved” ( a blocked Heart chakra), “Frustration because you don’t feel that other people hear what you have to say” (a blocked Throat chakra), “Disconnect from your intuition” (“Telling the difference between gut and fear“!), a blocked Third eye chakra.

In regard to a blocked Crown chakra, I can imagine you experiencing these symptoms if you resume the relationship with N long term: “* Loneliness, insignificance, and aimlessness *A strong attachment to material possessions and achievements (and define yourself according to them) and a disconnect from the spiritual side of life *A lack of connection or guidance from a higher power * Feeling unworthy of spiritual help and angry that your higher power has abandoned you“.

Back to your yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about N: “What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you”, and you asked: “is this the Teflon?“. My answer: yes. Like Teflon rejecting oil, N rejects anything you say that doesn’t feel good to him.. before he lets it in for consideration.

In regard to the shark/ sea turtle imagery, you asked: “Why do we miss things that harmed us? just because of familiarity?“-  I’ll answer with an example from my life: I’ve known this woman in real life who is routinely critical and rude to me and to others (that’s her MO). Thing is, I like her very much and for the longest time, I tried to please her, to get her to like me back. Why? Because when I was very young, I tried to make another critical and rude (to me) person to like me back: my mother. The woman sort of reminded me of my mother back at a time when I very much loved my mother and tried to get her to love me back.

“It is an interesting concept that he didn’t ‘know-know,’ I am curious how someone can operate on such an unconscious level? It rings true that he doesn’t think deeply about things that he doesn’t find necessary, but why is this?“- The Teflon mind rejects X (something you say) before it considers it. If something you say feels unpleasant to N, he automatically rejects it. If you try to talk to him about it, to explain, he will reject it all just as he rejected it initially. It’s a cognitive short cut of sorts. I don’t know how it came about that this is his (or anyone’s) MO. I’ll think about it.

“He said with words that he wanted to grow but he didn’t with actions and I don’t think he sees the value in it, but why? So this is a huge value I have for a future partner: curious about life and a want to grow in wisdom and understand meaning in human life“- It is easy to say words.. maybe the why (above and here) is that it’s way easier to reject things before consideration (the Teflon Mind) and it is way easier and simpler, in the short term, to not consider the meaning in human life, etc.

“I am feeling clearer now than I did last night and this morning“- good, that was Fri morning. How are you this Saturday?

“I think this is a particularly vulnerable time for me being sick and having to worry financially, when N would have my back if I was sick. He was kind and would tell me not to worry about the money right now and just to get better“- N caused or promoted your sickness when you were living with him (blocking your chakras, see above online source), so see this part I just mentioned in the bigger picture of him being kind to you when you were sick

“(F) would lend me money if I asked but it would come with strings, and I would feel obligated to act in a certain way towards him again so that he felt gratitude for it. He has lofty expectations for gratitude, ways that I have to behave around him that can involve hatch in her cage“- better not say or do anything if the price is to place or keep hatch in a cage.. including resuming a relationship with N.

“I have not seen a doctor because I have had this sickness before and have been self medicating, but I have been taking care of myself best as I can. Drinking fluids, eating protein, showering, painting. Today I think I will attempt some yoga floor work at home that does not hurt my knee“- how is your knee today, and did you do yoga? Yoga’s chest and shoulder opening poses are excellent for opening the heart chakra: I do one such every morning.

anita