“– You said it. So the question is to be you or to be only a small part of you, because the price to pay for a life with N is that a huge part of you will be caged, not allowed to be.”

You wrote: Put in another way, the price for a life with N is blocked chakras. From mind valley. com: “Your chakras can be blocked by life challenges. It can manifest as something physical (like a never-ending migraine) or even emotional (like self-doubt). Here are a few more blocked chakra symptoms that are telltale signs you need to open your chakras: * Difficulty sleeping * Difficulty concentrating * Chronic depression or anxiety * Mood swings * Trouble communicating * Difficulty connecting with others * Feeling ‘stuck’”-

“– How many of these symptoms did you experience while living with N?”

All of them. I constantly had bad dreams, I had a short capacity for concentration on anything other than our relationship, I felt anxious about him hurting my feelings (like being late or not understanding me), I felt depressed that I thought I should be happy and I didn’t know why I wasn’t! My moods would swing, one day I would feel anxious about us and how we were going to spend our time together because I so badly wanted to connect, then other days I found an inner strength and just went with the flow. I would freeze up when trying to express myself, not because I don’t know how but because I would be repeating the same thing for the nth time and freeze to wonder how else I could phrase it so he would understand how something made me feel or why I thought a certain way (try to take his mask off). I constantly felt “stuck” so much so that I started to think that was normal and it became a familiar feeling.

You wrote: The source continues to list the seven chakras and the symptoms of blockage for each chakra. Here are a few symptoms of a blocked chakras that (I think) you experienced with N: “Feeling you are not good enough the way you are” (a blocked Root chakra), “The distrust that you can be loved for being you” (a blocked Sacral chakra), “Giving your power away to others as you feel this is necessary to keep peace in relationships (a blocked Solar plexus chakra),  “Fear of commitment and feeling like you have to please others to be loved” ( a blocked Heart chakra), “Frustration because you don’t feel that other people hear what you have to say” (a blocked Throat chakra), “Disconnect from your intuition” (“Telling the difference between gut and fear“!), a blocked Third eye chakra.

-This is all right.

You wrote: In regard to a blocked Crown chakra, I can imagine you experiencing these symptoms if you resume the relationship with N long term: “* Loneliness, insignificance, and aimlessness *A strong attachment to material possessions and achievements (and define yourself according to them) and a disconnect from the spiritual side of life *A lack of connection or guidance from a higher power * Feeling unworthy of spiritual help and angry that your higher power has abandoned you“.

-I agree and this is what I feel whenever I begin to second guess my decision. That is how I knew I was ready to break up with N, because, similar to when I tried nicotine, the two N’s (lol) felt good for a minute but then they harmed my spirit, the essence of who I am. I have such a deep desire to hear my inner spirit guides and act in alignment with my highest self, that these N’s were a small price to pay to have such clarity within myself.

you wrote: Back to your yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about N: “What he heard (in his low vibrational/ closed crown chakra state), was that you accused him of something or that you said something he didn’t like, so his response: to deflect”, to redirect you”, and you asked: “is this the Teflon?“. My answer: yes. Like Teflon rejecting oil, N rejects anything you say that doesn’t feel good to him.. before he lets it in for consideration.

-This reminds me of a recent interview; Drew Barrymore, interviewed Megan Fox. And at one segment Drew asked Megan about a phrase from a poem Megan wrote “I will always be in the love with the man you will never become,” She articulated so well that she has been in love with someone who was stuck at their lower vibrational self, but that she could see his potential, however she had to leave the relationship. I feel this way with N. His higher vibrational self would be a perfect match for mine, which is so heartbreaking. I tried to raise his vibration, but instead mine was lowered. Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations, and therefore made me even more incompatible with N. wow I just realized this as I wrote it.

The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person. So far I have been the one sharing my vibrations and insights with others, but I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me.

You wrote: In regard to the shark/ sea turtle imagery, you asked: “Why do we miss things that harmed us? just because of familiarity?“-  I’ll answer with an example from my life: I’ve known this woman in real life who is routinely critical and rude to me and to others (that’s her MO). Thing is, I like her very much and for the longest time, I tried to please her, to get her to like me back. Why? Because when I was very young, I tried to make another critical and rude (to me) person to like me back: my mother. The woman sort of reminded me of my mother back at a time when I very much loved my mother and tried to get her to love me back.

-Interesting. So it’s the dynamic of someone having expectations for me, and my desire to complete them and win their love. I need to be careful of this dynamic, but this is the one with my father. A dynamic with someone like my mom would be more like over-coddling and wanting to nurture them…although I almost feel like both of these dynamics were involved in my relationship with N.

You wrote “– The Teflon mind rejects X (something you say) before it considers it. ” and I remember the sensation I felt when I wanted to bring something up, but had an inkling that he would not like it, I felt I was on egg shells all the sudden. But (same as F) when I tried to tell N I was on eggshells he thought that was ridiculous. Both N and F think they are very approachable, but in fact they are the opposite. Because if what you approach them with falls outside of their logic, then it is hard to get them to understand. However I think my dad has possibly expanded his ability to see…

So when I arrived in Portland last weekend, my dad picked me up from the airport. Something that seems like an obvious jester but for my dad is a big deal, the fact he never asked me to get an Uber was surprising to me and my sister and mom when I told them. He often takes convenience for himself over showing affection or kindness to others. Anyways, I was nervous to tell him about N, and not sure how detailed I wanted to be. I was afraid that the traits I was leaving N for, were too similar to F for him to see what was wrong with the behavior. He took me home and made me breakfast. About 30 minutes after being home he asked me “how’s N?” this was the moment I was waiting for to naturally say “We aren’t together anymore.” My dads face was blank and shocked for about 30 seconds before he even said “wow.” I began to tell him why and I started by saying he just wasn’t honest with himself. Still unsure about how much I wanted to tell F, I based how much on his understanding. I went on to say we would have arguments then we would get home and I would want to resolve them and he would act like nothing happened, my dad was listening, so I went on. I told him about the cash situation and the c-word situation. I felt energized by the conversation, and I went on to the deeper reasons, I talked about how I had been doubting the relationship for a long time, I talked about this forum and you Anita :). I told him what I told you when I said “you know how you can tell someone something, and if they aren’t ready to hear it they won’t? Well this was my higher self to me this year, I knew it but wasn’t ready to hear it and it took until the cash and c-word incident for me to see that this relationship was only holding me back from the growth I wanted in my life.” My dad listened and responded, asked questions. He asked me if it was ok for him to ask me about his relationship, I assume since he saw that I was able to see things clearly in my relationship, maybe I could help him. He spoke about how his gf L, has two little boys that he does not want to be a father to and that he has told L, but she still wants to be with him, yet she also expresses that she wants security in marriage, but that he would not want to move in till her little boys were old enough. I was very open with him and pretty much said if he wasn’t accepting of her kids then he didn’t accept all of her so that was not true love. He could see this but was clearly not ready to end the relationship. He kept saying that the ball was in her court, but knowing my dad I knew he was probably emotionally manipulating her to stay and giving her some false sense of security, but I didn’t tell him this at this time.

Our conversation sort of ended there because my little sister wanted me to come talk to her while she got ready for her dance performance. Once I got back home on Sunday, I texted my dad later that evening

“I have been thinking about what we’ve talked about and you may not want to hear this (do not read until monday lol) But I woke up with some clarity, that’s; if you love L, then what she needs is either you to fully commit (kids and all) or let her go (so she can find someone who will, because she cans till find that as it stands now). You keeping her on the hook is selfish of you (I am not judging you, I know this feeling and if you stay with her I will not judge at all because you deserve to be happy too). Those two options are what is best for her, and as someone who loves her I think to end this “in-between” stage, one of those options need to be chosen by you. To fully commit or let her go to someone who will.”

Anita, I am telling you this so that you can understand a little bit more, and help me understand as well, my evolving relationship with my dad. He responded to this message with a heart and kissing emoji, so I am sure is probably brushing it off, as he did the email I wrote him back in april about my feelings of abandonment by him. As I spoke to him in my higher vibration about this and my relationship at one point we were talking about money and he brought up how an occasion that he lent me money for school and blah blah blah, I could completely see that he was only trying to take the power back in the conversation but it really had nothing to do with what we were talking about so I didn’t engage and was able to bring him back to where I was…

Most significantly, he messaged me randomly on Wednesday

“Hey, I just want you to know I’ve been thinking about you and our conversation alot this week. A lot of things have been on my mind but the one that stands our the most is just how damn proud I am of you.!! You took the time and went through the pain to search yourself and ultimately find the voice of your truest self. You honored your whole self. The result is less important than the patient process you allowed yourself to suffer through. And at the end of the rainbow what did you get? A self assurance in your decision making. An empowered belief that you have the resources to navigate life’s challenges. May you are tougher than you think, kid (kissing emoji) Love you, proud of you (heart and kiss). ”

I don’t want to want his validation, but there is still a part of me that wants F to see me and I honestly feel like he did see me a bit here, right? It is confusing because he still gaslites and is someone I have to be cautious of but in these moments I feel like there is a part of him that I can have a relationship with. Am I being naiive? Is he all Shark?

I will continue my post in a separate box.

Seaturtle