Dear Seaturtle:

As I am re-reading about how you felt living with N, I am thinking this morning: there really is no (good/ healthy) reason for you to place yourself in that situation again, for crying out loud!

“The thing I want more than anything in my life right now is friends who are like me in this way, like you, but I need people in person…  I am ready to meet people who can raise my vibration and teach me“- maybe a Buddhist community in your area will be such a place where you can meet in-person others with chakra/ vibration-level awareness?

“Interesting. So it’s the dynamic of someone having expectations for me, and my desire to complete them and win their love. I need to be careful of this dynamic“- yes. If you tried hard, early on, as a hatchling, to make your (figuratively blind) father SEE you, and you failed, the desire to make him see you didn’t die. It awakens with the next figuratively blind person in your life (N) who reminds you of your father in some ways (such as his focus on making money).

“When I tried to tell N I was on eggshells he thought that was ridiculous. Both N and F think they are very approachable, but in fact they are the opposite (of approachable). Because if what you approach them with falls outside of their logic, then it is hard to get them to understand“- they have a narrow logic/ understanding and when SEEING you requires a wider logic on their part, they don’t try to expand their understanding, but reject the required understanding as ridiculous, something not worthy of their time and effort.

“However I think my dad has possibly expanded his ability to see…“- hmmm… really?

“So when I arrived in Portland last weekend“- wait, I thought that your parents lived in WA… they don’t?

“My dad picked me up from the airport… I told him about the cash situation and the c-word situation. I felt energized by the conversation, and I went on to the deeper reasons, I talked about how I had been doubting the relationship for a long time, I talked about this forum and you Anita. I told him… ‘this relationship was only holding me back from the growth I wanted in my life.’ My dad listened and responded, asked questions… Most significantly, he messaged me randomly on Wednesday ‘Hey, I just want you to know I’ve been thinking about you and our conversation a lot this week. A lot of things have been on my mind but the one that stands our the most is just how damn proud I am of you.!! You took the time and went through the pain to search yourself and ultimately find the voice of your truest self. You honored your whole self. The result is less important than the patient process you allowed yourself to suffer through… you are tougher than you think, kid (kissing emoji) Love you, proud of you (heart and kiss). ‘ I don’t want to want his validation, but there is still a part of me that wants F to see me and I honestly feel like he did see me a bit here, right?“-

– I hope so.. I am impressed by his wording, wow.

“It is confusing because he still gaslights and is someone I have to be cautious of but in these moments I feel like there is a part of him that I can have a relationship with. Am I being naive? Is he all Shark?“- I don’t know. It is difficult to say because an important part of his work is one-to-one PR, isn’t it? And being as successful as he is, suggests to me that he is versed in saying all the right things to the right people, talking their language so to draw them in.. I don’t want you to confuse Style (him talking your language, the italicized above) and Substance (him believing in the italicized above).

It’ll be interesting to hear (or read) how he talks to people who think very differently from you…

“Perhaps it is easier but isn’t it more painful? I am not Teflon, so perhaps I just don’t relate at all. Is his MO, Teflon?“-

– I have a more fitting Teflon imagery in regard to N (and others) following reading this morning what you wrote above (“if what you approach them with falls outside of their logic, then it is hard to get them to understand“): if N is a frying pan, only a small part in the middle is not covered with Teflon, that’s the limited understanding of you that he takes in. The rest of the frying pan is covered with Teflon which rejects any part of you that doesn’t fall exactly on the limited area in the middle.

“That is something about him that likely won’t change?“- no. His Teflon is his childhood reaction/ adjustment to his childhood experience. It is now habitual, his MO, part of his DNA, so to speak.

“When I say more painful, I mean ignoring the meaning of why something happened.. not wonder about why or where they came from, being numb to the world sounds like the most lonely and pointless life, a waste of life itself if I may“-

– Being mostly Teflon (not asking why or listen to the whys) is his way to NOT feel pain . Understanding further (asking why) is your way to.. not feel pain, or to lessen your pain. Same is true to me: the more I learn and understand, the lesser my pain.

“This Sunday I woke up a little stressed and here is why. Yesterday I asked my mom to text N asking for my flight confirmations, after all she did pay for it“- your mother paid for yours and N’s flight?

“I can see his flight information as well and we are sitting next to each other“- I bet you can ask at the ticket counter- if not earlier- to be seated elsewhere and you can explain why. I assume the flight crew is interested in preventing conflict between passengers.

“My knee is moveable… I no longer have a fever or sore throat but I have just been too congested to go to work still, and I have a persistent cough… I have done stretching each day, short time, but yesterday I did some core exercises and pushups. Today I will look at some heart chakra yoga on YouTube“- be patient with the process of healing and recovery, it’s happening and will continue to happen.

“Precisely, and I fell out of love with the man who did not want to grow with me and instead wanted to question my growth and hold me back  from it“- wait, are you saying that you fell out of love with N?

“Anita, do you think any two, man and woman, at their high vibrational selves can fall in love? Or that there is a special, maybe a few in a lifetime, special match for each of us. A match that many times, and I personally think, we never meet if we don’t meet our own high self.. what do you think of this?“-

– I think that all people are .. shall I say, created-in-the-image of a high vibrational self, and then things happen that lower the vibrational level for the great majority of people, beginning with conception (ex., a genetic abnormality in the egg cell), then pregnancy (ex., too much of stress hormones in the pregnant woman’s blood reaching the fetus), then birth (ex., oxygen deprivation during birth), and so on and on. Which reminds me- I JUST realized- my personal connection to sea turtles from the time I was a child:

I saw a nature movie about sea turtles and I never forgot it. I remembered that movie for decades although I remember very, very little of my childhood. In the movie, the camera followed sea turtles from the time they hatched out of their eggs on the shore, to the time they reached the ocean and after, detailing all the dangers they faced along the way, showing that only a small percentage of hatched sea turtles make it to adulthood. This is how I view mental- emotional health/ vibration level: it’s lowered and lowered for most from the time we come to be as a zygote (egg + sperm) to adulthood.

I don’t believe in destiny, as in there is someone special for you, pre-destined for you. I hope that as you date again, you will look for the vibrational level of the man, not expecting perfection, of course, but enough of that vibration to make the relationship work for you and for him, making each other shine brighter together than alone.

“I feel like if/when we do run into each other he will see this. If he ran in to me today he would see it, I am lighter without him. Even my literal physical skin has cleared since moving out and then ending the relationship… I know the relationship was having a toll on my physical body”-

– amazing, I wrote the above (“making each other shine brighter together than alone”) before reading this. So, indeed, you are better alone than together with N, and the right man for you is one with whom you will be better together than alone.

You wrote yesterday: “Speaking with you on this platform has raised my vibrations“- same here: speaking with you has raised my vibrations, thank you!!!

“I would absolutely love to meet you“- you are living in AZ and your parents in OR?

anita