Dear Lou92:

You are welcome.

(I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “I was very careful not to direct anything onto him and his depression…. I told him it’s not him, these are MY issues, but because I have these issues I just need some more affection from him to help me through this. He emotionally shut down, said he was going to take the dog for a walk to clear his head, and then didn’t come back”-

– you were very gentle and careful to not distress him, kindly telling him that it’s not him but you, that it’s your issues, not his (even though him frequently texting the coworker is his issue, one he needed to resolve and stop texting her), and yet he emotionally shut down and was gone for hours during the night.

If you angrily told him that it’s all his fault etc., blaming him, and then he shut down, going for a walk to clear his head, that would make more sense to me (not that life makes sense..).

“You’re right about his mother. He had a terrible relationship with his mother, which therapy has led him to realise is the direct root cause of all of his issues. But she wasn’t overbearing with him. She was completely emotionally unavailable…  They were estranged for years until shortly after I met him and then they reconnected again“- did you encourage him to reconnect with her?

“and the relationship is so much better now. But it was never like that previously”- so much better, how, if I may ask?

“Just to add as well, he has a wonderful relationship with his Dad“- I wonder how his father dealt with seeing his wife being completely unavailable to his son for years, causing his son issues.

“Everything you have said makes a lot of sense, but I just don’t understand why he would project his mother onto me, because I have never been overbearing. I have always been the one quietly by his side, cheering him on, being there for him no matter what. It does feel though that now I am starting to be affected by everything, and I have chosen to communicate this with him, it has caused him to withdraw“-

– do you mean that all those years (close to 10 years), you did not express any negative feelings to him in regard to his behaviors, and recently was the first time, and as a result, he withdrew from you?

anita