Ah, I missed it by two days! Merry (late) Christmas to you as well, Anita! I wanted to pop in before but had to work Christmas Eve and was so tired afterwards. I’ll go ahead and wish you a Happy New Year as well just to stay ahead. Also, thank you for wishing me a happy birthday too.

“In other words, magnification often involves exaggerating the unpleasantness of a situation while minimizing actual or potential positive elements.” — I agree that I do this. I think the minimization is also a protective technique to try to prepare myself for any possible disappointment: if I never get too enthusiastic about anything and downplay its importance, then I won’t be so embarrassed or hurt when it inevitably blows up in my face. That never really saves any embarrassment or hurt, though. I hid my relationship from social media and most of my friends until at least the 6 month mark in fear I would “jinx” us. The messy part comes in where I worry that I really DID exaggerate something I perceived as negative that actually wasn’t… or my life is just a complete set of self-fulfilling prophecies. My first therapist said it was. I’ve now had every guy I’ve ever dated tell me I look for problems and believe in them so hard that I eventually create them. I can’t trust my own judgment after hearing this much feedback. I can’t tell what’s real from what’s not anymore and if I’m truly at fault for sabotaging my relationships – especially my latest and he was right, then I feel hopeless. The self-blame overwhelms me, and like you said, I don’t really allow myself any room to consider that my ex wasn’t perfect. All I have been able to place and blame him for in any of this was not being honest with himself and me, especially after all the relationship check-in opportunities I gave him.

“I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this…”- there’s the exaggeration.” – I feel like I’m getting worse because I’m realizing he didn’t even try to argue with me and tell me that he still found me attractive after admitting to wandering eyes for other women. He seemed fed up with my paranoia and over me. The thought of losing me should be too much for someone who was in love with me. At least, that’s how I see it. Everyone is different and I understand he wasn’t equipped to meet me where I was at, but I see that his passion for me/us fizzled from where it was originally. I’ve read the whole point of going no contact is to work on myself and focus on moving on or else the effort is pointless. Sometimes all I want to do is just reach out and try to get closure of some sort, or maybe say goodbye to him. I know that’s not going to work though, it probably would cause me more damage. I had a dream last night where I confronted him and started arguing with him, telling him everything I’ve been wanting to say. I woke myself up yelling at him and crying.

… “Not until this guy… who claims to love me so much thinks I’M impressive? Then I’ve won.” — this point here where you quoted me reminded me of how right before we broke up, he admitted his biggest celebrity crush being Taylor Swift and how if a man were to get with her, then that’s the “ultimate prize and indicator he’s won in life.” (there’s a lot more to this story and why we were even talking about celebrity crushes. Let’s just say it was an ongoing argument and it hurt my feelings… shocking). It just hurts knowing how much he meant to me and how little it seems like I meant to him by the time he was checking out.

“Personally, from what you shared about him, I am not impressed with him. On the other hand, I am impressed with your intelligence, with how well you use the English language to express yourself.. you sound very educated and kind…”  — Thank you for this. It means a lot to me to be perceived as capable and smart, and I value your perspective.