Hi Anita,

I wanted to write a journal entry while I am feeling sad. When I respond in the morning after I’ve had breakfast it is easier for me to be in my high vibration self. Right now it is 10pm where I am and I’m just having flashes of the good memories with N. It is the time I want to check on him and reach out. It is also the time I ache when I think of him with someone else. But what hurts more is imagining that he will find someone else shallow like him, and think that all along I was in the wrong and did too many things based on feelings. That he will end up with someone who like him, makes fun of “over feeling” aka another Teflon. It hurts to think of him loving someone else. I know in this moment we are both in pain and that future is far away and not helpful to think about but just like the good memories, they seem to appear in my mind uninvited.

tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve, a night I spent with N two years in a row. They were fun memorable nights and even writing this is making me feel the emotion of a deep sadness of missing it. I know it is normal, but that doesn’t bring me much comfort right now. I thought about spending the night alone but my roommate invited to me go out to a block party, and she bought me a ticket which was really sweet! But now I feel obligated and I am having doubts about going out, we will inevitably drink alcohol and I don’t want it to make me feel worse. However the alcohol does make the socializing more fun, and if I don’t have any I might just be wanting to come home all night. Being sick through the holidays is still slightly lingering in me and making me fatigued. Part of me wants to stay home and sleep, another part thinks I should spend the time with my friends so that I am not home feeling worse, but like I said going out with them it is implied to drink, be social and stay up late, all things I don’t really want to do but it sounds more fun than being alone on the holiday and fighting memories or the idea that N is out having a new years kiss (shuddering eyes emoji) I feel very uncomfortable, like the actual feeling that is the opposite of comfort. The opposite of N being a phone call away from laying with me on the couch and feeling safe.

I am hoping for a very restful sleep tonight with positive dreams if any, and wisdom in the morning.

Seaturtle