Hi Anita

“You are a very intelligent, well spoken, patient, kind and gracious young woman who is absent from her own awareness.  It is as if you are not a factor in your own mind and life. As if you didn’t yet take center stage where a person belongs in one’s own life, as if you are sitting in the audience.” — Thank you for saying all of that. I worry about being a toxic person so much that I think I completely take myself out of the equation when it comes to what I should have or be entitled to. In counseling, I learned to focus so much on what I was possibly doing to project onto others that it has since made me feel like all of my feelings are invalid. I’ve learned that everything I’m jealous over is a chip on my shoulder, everything I’m hurt or paranoid over is an insecurity. And then exes and family and friends reinforced the idea that I was indeed just always projecting and being too sensitive and overblowing situations so now I just feel like my perspective really doesn’t even matter. I’m not dissing therapy, I just think I’m taking in information incorrectly sometimes from counselors. I’m learning I’m so easily triggered and hurt by men that my perspective is tainted, and I’m tired of sabotaging myself and others. I just don’t know at what point my expectations are warranted and at what point they are irrational and unfair to put on others. I hate my boyfriend lusting at other women. I hate it so much because it’s happened to me in every relationship. Does that mean I can set that boundary? What’s the point if it’s not realistic or immature? I’d rather be single than deal with this again because of the shame I feel from the expectations I put on my ex about it.

“I don’t think we discussed limerence before (I just went through your 8-page thread and saw no mention of it), but it fits, doesn’t it?” — We haven’t, and it’s interesting you mentioned this because I was reading something the other day about this and how it can happen during a relationship and after a breakup. Some people refer to the deep longing after a sudden and unexpected as dark limerence – where the memories and rumination keeps you in this dark place you can’t get out of but you hold onto it because it’s all you have left of that person. That’s where I’m definitely at. His birthday is today (technically because it’s past midnight) – New Year’s Eve. Last year on this day, I spent the whole day with him going to thrift stores, singing and laughing in the car together, getting ice cream and watching movies at his house. We went on the Blue Ridge Parkway just above his house and watched the sunset. I had dinner with his parents and they loved me. It was a really special day. I knew this day was gonna be especially hard for me so I volunteered to work all day to try to distract myself from the pain.