Dear Jade:

I re-read your previous posts of 2019. Firstly, “I’m deciding to change careers and become a teacher” (May 22, 2019)=> “I tried to channel that negative energy into becoming a teacher and feel really proud about that..  All I have done since then is work” (Dec 30, 2023):

C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S   for becoming a teacher and working as a teacher!

Secondly, in your 2nd post here, Dec 30, 2023, you shared that you (35) are living with your mother and her husband: “Since living with them I have cooked and cleaned every day for 7 months. Alongside working 10+ hours a day and commuting for 2 hours a day. One of the reasons moved is because my mum needed some help because her husband was having a heart operation. She has had a really difficult year“-

– you’ve experienced a painful mix of empathy and guilt in regard to your mother since you were a young girl: “I remember feeling a lot of guilt from my childhood. From early as I can remember. I think I felt guilty that I put such a burden on my mum financially and she was always so tired from working all of the time” (May 2019).

No wonder that 7 months ago, you moved in with her so to help her. I imagine that it’s the same mix of empathy and guilt that motivated you to move in with her, and cook and clean for her and her husband every day for seven months. And I imagine that you were still hoping that she will love you if you help her enough…?

You shared about your mother back in May 2019: “She was a really young mum and struggled a bit financially, she was also always looking for love so a lot of different parental figures came into my life and then left… I feel that she was always looking for love from other people instead of getting it from me“-

– this is unfortunately the experience of many children who grow up with young, single or divorced mothers. The young mother- in her mind, heart and conduct- is a young single woman first. Her focus and priority is finding love elsewhere, outside the home, and then bringing her love interests, one by one, into the home,  leaving her child unprioritized and unloved.

The consequences: the child feels responsible aka guilty for not being enough for the mother, suffering from guilt, shame (“Shame is the biggest“, May 2019), chronic anxiety and depression (“I have been struggling with depression and anxiety now for about 25 years. I’m now 35″), and the dysfunctional romantic relationships and loneliness that accompany these sufferings.

On May 29, 2019, you asked for relief and help: “seeking relief from symptoms of anxiety and depression,  help with coping and forming healthy relationships. Just looking for general help with not being able to cope with life!?”

On Dec 29, 2023, you wrote and asked: “I am so unhappy and feel as if I am pushing everyone away so it will only get worse. I am also unsure as to whether this is all me or whether my feelings are truly valid and the people in my life have truly intentionally hurt me. Why am I not happy?“-

– I believe I answered the Why  in this post, but what can you do about it, what kind of help do you need and where can you get it?

I’ll try to answer these questions by first suggesting where help is NOT available for you: your mother, her husband, and other family members whom your mother turned against you (“I have found out today that she has told all my family members about her side of the argument”).

I’d say that it’s not only that Help is not available to you with these people, particularly your mother, but more Hurt is available for you there. This is why I suggested two days ago that you move out of your mother’s home.

As a famous song says, we are people who need people, so your help is in connecting with people who will help you, not people who will hurt you more. Evaluating people you meet as likely-to-hurt you vs people who are likely-to help-you, and then reevaluating them along the way, is key.

Psychotherapists/ counselors are trained to help, but not all help. Again, evaluating a therapist and then reevaluating the person/ professional is key.

Also, understand how difficult it is to heal from long-term childhood trauma, and adapt an attitude of patience with the process of healing, and gentleness with the person courageously going through this process.

This process is not new to you. When you get back on the healing path, persist, endure and stay on it not only an times of progress, but an times of regression and despair as well. The emotional  healing process is never linear, as in experiencing nothing but progress.

Are you familiar with the term and diagnosis of Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD)?

anita