Dear Lou92:

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words.

You are in a difficult situation and I feel sad that you are in this situation. I spent a few hours this morning (I am not focused though, quiet tired) trying to understand. It seems to me that while the two of you have been suffering for a long time, he has done nothing to help you, while you have done everything in your power to help him. When you tried to help yourself  (he wouldn’t), his response was to not help you.

In cartoons and certain movies, the bad character appears bad all the time, evil intents, always doing wrong and enjoying it. In real-life bad people are suffering, they often look sad or pathetic, and you feel sorry for them. What’s a bad person? My definition: one who repeatedly- over a long time- hurts another, sees that the person they hurt is indeed hurting, and yet, he/ she makes no real effort to stop hurting the one they are hurting, and to try to help them instead.

For about 5-6 years, when you thought of your relationship as solid (“The first 5/6 years of our relationship were powerful and solid”), this is what happened: “I have always been the one quietly by his side, cheering him on, being there for him no matter what… I have approached him in the past with issues that needed addressing, but they were few and far between really. And yes he did still withdraw when this happened“.

At first, when you spoke up and he withdrew, at times you raised your voice, and an argument followed. As  result, you regulated/ quieted down your voice: “because I hadn’t learnt how to regulate my own emotions, I would get frustrated with the stonewalling, and would raise my voice and then it would turn into an argument whereas now it doesn’t because I don’t lose my temper from it“.

When you voiced your feelings, however gently, telling him it’s not him, taking full responsibility for your feelings and going out of your way to see to it that you are not blaming him, and asking for his help, this is what happened:

“If I ever approach him with the fact I am feeling insecure and would like a bit more reassurance and love, he takes this an attack on him and emotionally shuts down… That night, before he took the dog for a walk, I had that conversation with him where I was crying, and I told him it’s not him, these are MY issues, but because I have these issues I just need some more affection from him to help me through this. He emotionally shut down, said he was going to take the dog for a walk to clear his head, and then didn’t come back… It does feel though that now I am starting to be affected by everything, and I have chosen to communicate this with him, it has caused him to withdraw. But then I can’t win because I can either openly communicate and have him withdraw, or I can keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence“.

You wrote in your post today: “Since this all came out, I’ve not been able to speak MY truth once about it.  It’s like he cannot deal with whatever I will say, so I am effectively suffering in silence.  As you said, I am walking on eggshells. Due to his depression and the severity of it, I am quite literally trying to ‘let go’ of how I FEEL about the whole thing, and push it to one side, so that he can focus on getting himself better”.

His withdrawing/ shutting down/ stonewalling behaviors are emotionally manipulative. Emotional manipulation is not always negative. For example, when a parent rewards a child for positive social behavior, that’s emotional manipulation, but it’s manipulation with a very positive value attached to it. Another example: when an adult thanks another adult for a good deed, part of the thank-you may be about encouraging the individual to continue to do good deeds for people in general, making the world a better place for it. Positive emotional manipulation Helps the manipulated and society at large.

Negative emotional manipulation has a negative value to it: it Hurts the manipulated and long-term, it hurts society at large. Therefore, it’s emotionally abusive. It is not something that is only done by calmly deceitful individuals, like financial scammers who thought through, planned and then calmly execute their manipulation, and if successful, their benefit is concrete.  Negative emotional manipulation is often done by anxious and depressed people. It’s often more instinctual than thoughtful-and-preplanned, and when successful, the benefit is short term.

When any manipulation, positive or negative, leads to a desired outcome for the manipulator, it’s done again and again, instinctually/ automatically, if not in a planned way.

Your husband’s desired outcome seems to be: you being “quietly by his side, cheering him on, being there for him no matter what“, and if you happen to suffer, that you suffer in silence. Currently, his desired outcome has been achieved: “Since this all came out… I am effectively suffering in silence” (Jan 2, 2024).

You interpret his behavior this way: “If I ever approach him with the fact I am feeling insecure.. he takes this an attack on him and emotionally shuts down, being completely incapable of saying anything whatsoever” (original post, Dec 19).  It is possible though, that his intent- while feeling attacked- is to attack you back, that he feels angry and his way to hurt you/ punish you is to stonewall you. It is possible that he is capable of talking to you, but angry, he chooses not to.

Perhaps if he cared enough about you suffering, he would be capable of addressing difficult topics.

In your recent post, you wrote: “It’s like he cannot deal with whatever I will say, so I am effectively suffering in silence.. I am quite literally trying to ‘let go’ of how I FEEL“- What if he can deal with what you have to say, but appearing like he cannot deal with it, achieves his desired outcome: not dealing with it.

cleaveland clinic. org (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent… Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further…  stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression… In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person”.

simply psychology. org: “Stonewalling involves withdrawing from communication and deliberately avoiding providing any information, feedback, or emotional response, effectively shutting down a conversation or interaction. This can include completely ignoring another person, physically turning away from someone, and/ or engaging in another activity to avoid interaction… if stonewalling becomes a recurring pattern, it can be a predictor of divorce. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, psychological distress, and relationship dissatisfaction…

“Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior, and it often falls under the passive-aggressive category. It involves entirely shutting down emotionally during conflicts or difficult discussions, leaving the other person feeling unheard, invalidated, and worthless.”

Like I wrote at the start of this post, I am particularly tired this morning, but I hope that I made some sense in this post, did I?

anita