Dear Stacy:

You are welcome!  Before I respond, having read only the first few lines of your post, I want to say first that I realized yesterday that I mentioned to you before that there was a part of your behavior with your recent ex that was wrong. Most recently, 3 days ago, I wrote: “You fit only the part of the definition (of a toxic person) in regard to repeatedly asking for validation that you are physically desirable by bringing up the topic, complaining about him liking photos online, etc.,  which is energy draining on the part of the romantic partner“, but I don’t think that I addressed this behavior thoroughly before, partly because I dislike your ex. I was turned off to him by so many things you shared about him. And I always thought that he wasn’t and wouldn’t be a good choice for you.

But I will thoroughly address it today because if you met a good guy, this behavior (misbehavior, more accurately, so I’ll refer to it as Misbehavior) on your part is destructive enough to destroy any potentially good relationship in the future. It is going to be difficult for you to read but it is necessary to address thoroughly. Please remember that I still think highly of you and that I know that this Misbehavior which I am addressing today can be corrected, making you an even better person than you already are!

Now to your recent post: “Also, I feel that my new rejection wounds are from men who leave me after expressing my concerns. And men who reassure me for an extended period of time and then leave me after trust was built. I didn’t have such activated rejection fears yet in my first relationship”-

– First, regarding trust built, I re-read your original post (Sept 6, 2023), and it is clear to me that in regard to your recent ex, trust was never built, it was never there beyond a moment here, a moment there at the most: “Relationship check ins were happening probably too often… He assured me SO MANY TIMES…But I also wasn’t born yesterday… I know my triggers and paranoias… Something was off. So I panicked and went through his Instagram“, etc.- 

– Repeatedly and for an extended period of time, accusing him of wrongdoings, frequently needing him to reassure you (that he is trustworthy), etc.,  does not equal trusting him.

Second, regarding expressing your concerns to your recent ex, you did much more than expressing your concerns: “I do not like being controlled myself or monitored like a child so the last thing I want to do with my guy… He assured me SO MANY TIMES…. I asked him if he..  He assured me absolutely not. This made me feel better…  I appreciated his patience with me. He always reassured me that we were a team and he wasn’t going anywhere….  he had been liking all her bikini photos… he admitted and took accountability for letting me down and he felt a lot of shame and disappointment in himself. I told him I really didn’t want to reprimand him constantly“-

– More than expressing your concerns, you controlled him (tried to), monitored him as if he was a misbehaving child, asked him for reassurance too many times, accused him of wrongdoings and reprimanded him a lot. This Misbehavior will turn any man off to you because it’s an off putting and draining behavior.

Thirdly, at least at times when you argued with him, your position was faulty: “Then I asked him why he likes those types of photos and he tells me it’s a mindless reason. I said but liking them requires effort” (original post)- liking photos online is easily a mindless activity and it does not require any effort!

Fourthly, the effect of this Misbehavior on the receiving end of it: “He said he was so upset with himself… that he was failing“, etc.- the result of being placed under a magnifying glass by a person looking for faults, real and imaginary, being monitored, accused of misdeeds (ex., going to a restaurant with a coworker or coworkers), accused not only of misdeeds but also of mis-thoughts (as in thinking wrong), and mis-feelings (examples: being attracted to bikini photos online, not being attracted to you at any one time) hurts the person on the receiving end of this Misbehavior.

Fifthly, even though you are somewhat aware that this Misbehavior, going all the way to referring to yourself as a toxic person, you are not thoroughly aware that this behavior is wrong: “I said, ‘Umm. What? Are you breaking up with me?‘ He says, ‘Yeah, I guess so.’ I couldn’t believe this had just ended everything. I tried to bargain with him for what felt like an hour… I just kept asking what did it. Why just give up out of nowhere… I asked him if it would help if I could work on moving closer. He rejected it with frustration..  I asked again what was the thing blocking us from just working on this instead of giving up out of nowhere“- 

– the breakup was not out of nowhere. Even if he was (and he is not) a standup guy, he would have broken up with you because of this Misbehavior. You weren’t adequately aware of it, and therefore you were very surprised that he broke up with you,  and you offered to move closer to him, as in to bring this Misbehavior closer to him. No wonder he rejected the offer with frustration.

Back to your recent post (which I didn’t yet read):

“I’m not trying to be difficult here; I’m sincerely trying to have something click for me. How can I say that I have been treated unfairly from people saying I’m too sensitive and overblow situations when I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things? I guess I am thinking black and white here. If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or ‘deserve’ a better partner”-

– in this paragraph you responded to what I said, which was: “When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part”. Notice that I was referring to people in your family.

In the context of your recent ex, I agree that you overblew situations and overreacted (see Misbehavior above), but not in the context of your family when you were growing up. Back then situations were really bad and you reacted; you did not overreact. When family members (who are aware of how bad it was for you, particularly family members who made it bad for you) accuse you of .. (proportionally) reacting to how bad it was, it is them being insensitive at the least, abusive at the most.

“But he admitted that he was lusting after those photos and losing interest in me in the process due to that and the distance and other things he wouldn’t elaborate on“- first, it is known that when a person is harshly interrogated by the police long enough, they’d admit to crimes they are not guilty of. Secondly, he told you that the antidepressants and ADHD medications were killing his libido (his words). Thirdly, it’s not a crime to lust or feel anything at all that one is feeling and you do not have the right to persecute anyone for what they are feeling. Fourthly, one significant thing among the other things he wouldn’t elaborate on is.. the Misbehavior I am talking about.

“How do I not take that personally?… my pain feels warranted when I remember he admitted to what I was fearing over his actions“- You (your subconscious part) had a very personal agenda from the start of this relationship: to prove that you are indeed physically undesirable, and you “proved” it. You hoped for another result, but you went about it like a prosecutor (focusing on the alleged crime), not like the defense (focusing on innocence).

“It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation… I’m not trying to argue with you, or with any of these points. Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward“-

– When you have the time and when you are calm, following processing this post, can you define “THE biggest mental block” as it stands now?

“To answer your last question: NYE was very hard even though I worked all day. The past couple of days have been rough too from the usual rumination. I had another nightmare about him this morning. I hope your holiday was nice and you’ve had a good start to the new year!”-

– thank you. I want you to do the work needed so that next NYE will be so much better than the last. My NYE was calm enough. I used to suffer a lot and unnecessarily, because of a miserable, difficult childhood. I did- and am- doing the work and what a huge difference it has made in-between-my-ears. I want the same for you!

Like I expressed repeatedly before: I like you and I think HIGHLY of you. You are positively amazing in so many ways!

anita