Dear Stacy:

“It’s so embarrassing that I feel like I should reach out again and just thoroughly apologize for projecting so much onto him and for throwing his issues he struggled with in his face. With no other expectation other than to just apologize. But I try to remember I already did that once”-

– Because of your pre-existing shame, you are overreacting to your.. less than desired, or wrong behavior with him. Guilt is an emotional state that benefits us only to the extent that we correct our wrong behaviors. Any more guilt than what is required for us to correct our wrong behaviors is unnecessary and pointless suffering.

Shame in this context is all unnecessary and pointless suffering. There is a term for it: Toxic Shame.

I hope that you don’t call him and apologize again and instead, correct the part of your behavior that was wrong in the future, with other people. And remember he was and is far from being perfect.

“I know months back that you focused more on how little my behavior had to do with what his behavior and choices were based on his internal struggles of his own, so that’s the only part where I’m a little confused. I don’t know the extent I am responsible for the breakup“-

– Here is what I think: a healthy, satisfying, adult relationship with him was and is not possible because he never had one and because he lives with his parents and because he spends too much time online and because he seems to have no career aspirations, and.. and… And so, the issue for me is not that you are responsible for the breakup, but that there was no promising future to the relationship at all.

“Back in September, you said, …’he spends his time in pornography and sexual fantasies…” …”His way has been mostly to distract himself from this thirst for love via kinky sexual fantasies, porn and thirst traps…’  in reference to me being upset at him for admitting to losing attraction. I thought it was in moments like this where I understood that my hurt in him looking at other women and feeling undervalued was warranted… But unfortunately you’re right – why would my current ex want me to continue with him or move closer to him in the future and just continue the energy I gave him like this? It was draining!”-

-like I said, so many things about him make him NOT a candidate for a lifetime relationship with any woman, including the fact that he spent much of his time watching pornography and distracting himself with sexual fantasies instead of focusing on employment and forging his own independent life away from his parents.

Your focus on him liking photos of women in bikinis etc., that’s your deep emotional wound that his activities triggered. An appropriate partner for you would be one who is busy working, doesn’t watch pornography, and doesn’t like girls in bikini photos, not because you told him not to, but because that was not his habit to begin with.

“The biggest mental block I have is feeling like I caused all of this because I’m a walking self-fulfilling prophecy, just like he said. That he was right when he told me I looked for reasons to criminalize him and I found them. All of these realizations make me feel like I made my bed and now I have to lie in it“-

– The bed you couldn’t have ended up in (if there was no breakup with him) is living with a partner who is independent and responsible. I guess you did cause the breakup as it happened, but.. there was no future to the relationship regardless.

“I feel incredibly shameful about messing the relationship up with my past issues and projections/insecurities. So I feel like I have no room for compassion for myself and he’s the good guy because he thought more rationally and removed himself from a controlling and jealous relationship. He deserves someone better who won’t pressure him so much and I deserve to be alone and sit with what I did until I can get do better“-

– your toxic shame is telling you wrong. Again: you didn’t mess a workable, promising, mature relationship. You messed up continuing to meet him a few times per month and then going about your separate ways after every meeting..  for some time longer than it lasted.

“Also, thank you for hoping this year will be an improvement for me. If I don’t make some kind of breakthrough, I feel like I will continue to suffer unnecessarily. I am happy to hear that your mental state and peace of mind has improved with doing the hard work“- you are welcome and thank you again for your kindness.

To not suffer unnecessarily, you’ll need to resolve this toxic shame. Can you tell me later, when you have the time, what you think about the concept of toxic shame (did you read about it.. I don’t remember if we discussed it before, did we?). Also, what do you think of my input in regard to the nonpromising aspect of a relationship with him to begin with?

anita