Dear Anita,

I have not yet read your last reply but I journaled last night and this morning and I am going to paste it here.

Last night I found out he did in fact block me. I had to go on Instagram to find an overnight oat recipe that I wanted to make. However I have the app deleted on my phone because I don’t want myself to see N’s profile or anything that reminds me of him, so I re-downloaded it for the recipe. He deleted the picture of us that he posted, the only picture he even posted of us, calling me his dream. Since he had the service to delete this picture he clearly is within cell service and my message didn’t send because I am in fact blocked, This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following.

Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches.

Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me. The opposite of him with a girl feels disgusting to me and disrespectful. I doubt it is what he is doing though. I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before. I want him to be alone. I wish he would see his faults in the relationship and how he could have treated me better, but I don’t care as much for that as I do that he is in pain and homesick just like me. And that he is agonizing lonely and that he misses me.

I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates and we had moments of disconnect and I halted trusting him before then… So that is not what justified his behavior, he would have been that with even with the respect he possibly had before February and march.

I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house. But he has to know that right? What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding. Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times. He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me. The way he said the c word at my face, basically telling me I should be stronger than to let a word bother me, He was quite literally annoyed with me for being bothered. Why was he so annoyed, it had to of been because it had happened too many times before and he wasn’t saying it in those moments and it built up to this moment of saying the c word again and again, affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you. I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself, cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways. But the problem was still that even in that dinner, a place where we were setting the pace for vulnerability, something I did feel he put effort into, however only very rarely. A place of vulnerability where I again brought up the hurt it brought me when he said that word to me and how he treated me on thanksgiving with the money at the store, the problem is he still never apologized. I even gave him a third time to apologize at the actual time of the breakup and he still couldn’t.

There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right? But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us

-Our camping trips

-our road trips where we went on adventures together

-The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me

-That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues

-When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone.

-When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled

– When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions.

-When we worked together on something, like the planter box we made and painted together

-How much I missed him while he was away on his ski trip for 3 weeks last year.

-How many things we did get through and at the end felt so bonded, like when his car broke down and he was under the car to try to fix it and when he finally came up he looked so defeated, oil in his hair and his cute little face as I grabbed him to comfort him. On that trip he often offered to get me a hotel while he fixed everything, but I always refused because I felt that was a battle I needed to fight with him, and how that meant so much to him, I could see it in his eyes “someone who isn’t gonna leave me when it gets hard”

But I did, I left, because it was too hard to make him see me and I gave up on the possibility. Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon? My mind hadn’t rested in over 8 months though, and he still couldn’t see how his behavior affected me.. I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger. jI am just angry he could not fix himself for me. Because we would have been so much stronger if he was able to see how I was growing myself and decided to follow, again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me. If he followed me and decided to look within as well we could have been so strong why couldn’t he do it?? He instead let me grow alone, but didn’t even see it and doubted me.

This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime. But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… like I feel guilty for letting the guilt go. I broke up with the person that is all the things I listed above, and yes the bad parts too, but the guilt comes from how I left that person (the list of good memories). He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him? I was thinking about him. If he was a really sensitive emotional person I would have handled the breakup different and tried to be softer, but if I was soft with n he would have seen that as I wasn’t sure. He would have tried to comfort me, OR WORSE he would have rolled his eyes and left me like that. Maybe I didn’t do it for him, maybe I did it for me, because I didn’t trust his behavior enough to be vulnerable. But I miss him. But I don’t want him back. I want his ghost to sit next to me and comfort me, The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me? With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right? I would rather him be sad than angry. Because angry means he hates me, but he should hate his behavior, not me. How is it possible that he doesn’t regret

-saying the c word at my face multiple times

-coming at me about my money with his bad energy and on thanksgiving morning!

-Telling me I waste my time thinking about things that don’t matter

-When I would tell him we weren’t connecting he would just tell me I was wrong or that it was my problem not his, although I doubt he thinks any differently now about this

-He must see that he did not treat me as though he could, he could have been so much softer and sweeter and considerate of my feelings

-He could have been on time to dates, especially ones that mattered extra like my mom’s visit

-He could of tried to show excitement about seeing my family rather than acting like it was a chore and worried he would be bored… he literally told me he would rather go skiing alone.

-He could have tried to engage with me in the deep conversations, sat with me when we entered a vulnerable place and stayed there cause he knew it meant the world to me for him to be vulnerable, I literally needed so much less than I should have accepted and he couldn’t even do that for me

I wish I could erase him from my mind.

Seaturtle