Dear Seaturtle:

“Last night I found out he did in fact block me… This sent so many emotions through me I wrote the following“- I didn’t read what comes next, but I want to say at this point that he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you.

“Tonight on January 4th I miss parts of n, but I also don’t. It is as if he is home and I cannot go home. I know that I will form another home inside me, and be my own home again but right now my heart still aches“-  there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating. I like the resolution preceding your mention of pain.

“Why do I want him to feel pain right now? It brings me satisfaction and comfort to imagine that he is self destructing and just as lonely as me“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.

“I hope he is at home high off his mind playing video games and then all day just high and working. As I have seen him before“- it is likely he does what he did habitually before.

“I am waking up on January 5th and I am a combination of guilty and frustrated. I feel guilty cause I feel bad for not working January to March. I feel that is when he lost respect for me. However he was late to dates…“- from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra, that upper level of Maslow’s Pyramid.

“I am frustrated because he blocked me and there are still things I need from his house“- I disrespect him for having done this, how inconsiderate!

“What gives him the right to block me, it feels childish to me and it is frustrating because I would have loved to be on better terms right now and just keep it cordial and understanding“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.

“Then it makes me feel guilty that he doesn’t understand because of me, because I mislead him with my words about the future, but then that doesn’t necessarily hold up because I did try to tell him the exact issues that caused the breakup, many times“- you were not dishonest with him: you felt different things at different times, through a long period of time.

“He didn’t see me. So no he doesn’t see the necessity of the breakup for me. I wish he could see the ways he so clearly mistreated me… affecting my spirit and heart. He should have been the protector of those things, not part of the world that comes at you“- how common and tragic it is that people (beginning with parents) who should protect us come at us, hurting us.

“I feel angry that he could not be the man that I wanted him to be. He gave me crumbs of hints that he could. Even at our last dinner, when his idea was to state how we would work on ourselves in the relationship and he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!

“cause that meant he could see that he was acting out of pain right? That meant he at least to some extent was aware of his passive aggression.. that is what I thought anyways“- I don’t see it that way. You are and were back then introspected, he is not. You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.

“There is also a part of me that is not only confused that he blocked me, but that he never reached out to me. Yes he texted my sister that he wished he was dead and that he couldn’t believe how coldly I broke up with him, this was clearly him trying to get me to come to him right?“- yes, I think so. I think of his strategy as that of a spider having spun his web and waiting for an insect to come to him and get entangled in his web.. (again).

“But the thing that bothers me more is that I actually feel guilty about this, that I was cold. Because when I think of the positive memories between us…”- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).

“-Our camping trips… -The moments I was anxious and crying and he stood there by me -That time we were in an argument, and he didn’t let us go inside to spend time with other people until we solved our own issues.. – When he put effort into getting to know my friends, asking questions“- he is not totally lacking people skills.

“When he opened up to me about very private things from his past, he had never told anyone“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..

“When he had that soft look on his face because he wanted to be cuddled “- in certain cartoon, the bad character always looks rough, always evil. In real-life, bad people sometimes look soft, and that confuses people who believe in cartoons.

I am not saying that he is a bad person to everyone.. just that he was and would be bad as a boyfriend/ husband to a woman with an open crown chakra.

“Should I have stuck it through and we would have been altogether so SO much stronger because of it? Did I give up too soon?“- I have the image of a fly flying into a spider’s web…

“I warned him so many times that he was wearing me down, I even told him before that eventually his being late and careless behavior could break me. I told him I didn’t trust him with my heart because I felt he had dropped it too many times, but he still did and just thought I needed to be stronger“- I boldfaced the words he uttered that you shouldn’t believe. He didn’t want you stronger.. just strong enough to stay alive while entangled in his web, alive but not free. I am guessing that now he wants you strong enough to fly to his web and get entangled yet again.

“I am just angry he could not fix himself for me”- I get caught in images, I know. Nonetheless, I see him (the spider) fixing himself dinner.

“Again did I not wait long enough for him?? This kills me“- this is feeding my imagery even further..!

“If he followed me“- a spider does not follow the fly; he waits for her to get entangled in his web.

“If he…-  and decided to look within“- if he stepped up to the top of Maslow’s pyramid, he would have.

“why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…?

“This life is about me now, worrying about him no longer matters and I certainly did it enough to already last a lifetime“- I agree.

“But I think I feel guilty to completely let go of the guilt… He is right the breakup was cold, but because I had to be. It would have been too confusing for us both if I showed my tears and emotions, wouldn’t that of been unfair to him?“-if you showed your tears and emotions while breaking up with him… your crying and emotions would have created the vibrations on his web that would let him know that it’s time for more spinning.

Would it be unfair to the spider for the fly to not present itself as dinner…?

“The essence of him was home for so long and now I don’t have a home, I feel pathetic saying that cause I should be my own home, but what is love if it isn’t allowing someone else to be your home, did he do the same with me?”- a spider’s web is its home. Your own home should be spider free, I say (Okay, enough with the image?)

“With his actions of blocking me and deleting our picture, unfollowing my community, he must be angry right?”- or just hungry.

“I wish I could erase him from my mind.“- erase seeing who he is not. See him as he is.

2nd post:

“I feel the same way, how do you do this?”- one day at a time.

“I wish I could trade for goods, wouldn’t that be cool! I stay home and make delicious pastries, and go trade them for clothes, or making them a form of art OR make them clothes in exchange for the materials that I can also use for myself. Anyways I feel my way of making my means to do things is going to fall outside of the typical ‘get a job’ sense“- yes, that would be cool! if the world is coming to an end (droughts, rising sea levels, wars, etc.), trading goods will be the way to go.

“This is the best compliment I have ever received“- you are welcome and thank you for.. the compliment you extended to me in this sentence!

“At first when I read ‘seaturtle the influencer‘ I didn’t like it, because I know what an influencer is and I do admire some, but the majority of them I find very fake. I think a lot of influencers are damaging to young people because they show some amazing life as if they have no problems, only highlights…  you know what I do believe what you say, that I could be helpful to some young people struggling in ways that I have and still do. I think it could be a very good idea”- I have never watched an influencer online. If I did, the word would have had a negative connotation for me too. Seaturtle the Helpful Influencer in practice, the one giving the word a positive connotation.. or finding a different word may be a better idea.

“Do I start with just trying to be relatable? I am not sure my starting point or where to find it, but I am definitely curious if this could be something. Do I need a guide or are the answers in me“- definitely start with being authentically and unguardedly you first, and then see if people relate. Consider people’s feedback so to think of more effective ways to express yourself, but still, ways in the realm of being true to yourself.

“I do like to move my body and to a sound that I feel… I miss it and wish I had a group of people who would come do that, but I can only think of two haha“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?

Seaturtle