Dear Anita,

“he blocked you, at least in part, because he wanted to.. send some pain and turbulence to you, so that it (pain) vibrates within and through you. ..  there it is, the ache aka pain vibrating”

It is occurring to me now that him wanting me to feel pain is not unfamiliar. In the sense of the example of the c-word incident, he was trying to get me to feel pain. When he asked me if I had money to help him buy a trailer, hours after he saw my bank account and that I was struggling financially, he wanted me to feel that pain. All those times he later said “oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,” all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain, because what other reason could he have for all those things? I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him. I told him everything I did or didn’t up front, intentionally avoiding passive aggression in our relationship, something I so wanted to avoid after seeing it in so many relationships around me. I will let this question sit in my mind right now “did I ever intentionally cause him pain?” But for now will proceed with the fact I do not believe it did this intentionally, certainly never maliciously as he did that night with the C-word, or the money with the trailer. My point is though that me harming him was unfamiliar to him, and my ending the relationship was really the first time I knew I was hurting him and continued. I wonder how this affected him, he was very likely surprised at what I was doing cause our entire relationship I have demonstrated who I am which is someone who cares very deeply about my feelings and those around me, going out of my way to avoid both. You know, we were on the topic of hurting each other once, like speaking as to why cheating would never be involved in our relationship, and breaking up wasn’t mentioned but it was insinuated, when he said “you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.” I remember thinking in that moment that I felt like he was pretty much saying underneath ‘you would never break up with me because it would hurt me.’ This comment and he made another one more recently where he said something along the lines of it being ‘we can figure anything out, like we’ve been together two years we aren’t giving up now.’ it wasn’t those exact words but it was very close and that is what I heard anyways. Anyways, me doing something that we both knew hurt him in some way, was a surprise to us both, more so him. He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right? The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination? He can never hurt me with his little blockings and such, nearly as much as I already got used to inside of the relationship, whereas I actually have more power in the hurting department because it is unfamiliar coming from me to him. I say I have more pain inflicting power but at the same time I am not sure completely how, not sure what I could say that would cause him pain, or perhaps I am wrong… as he is a teflon. Then the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup, for some reason I want this to be true.

“- each feels hurt, each wants the other to feel pain, but he blocked you so to cause you pain, you didn’t block him.”

Answering my question above, this statement says alot of the whole relationship. “each wants the other to feel pain…but he cause[d] you pain, you didn’t...”

“from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you, parts in isolation. He didn’t respect what connects those parts: your crown chakra,”

This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me.. I said this more than once to him but the time I remember was right after the cash incident on Thanksgiving, after we were finished with a yoga class (a vibrational lifter) and on a happy holiday (a potential vibrational lifter) and then in the store he comes to investigate me and come at me with his cash questions and accusations. Then walking back to my car I remember why I have the cash and tell him “I remember but you do not need to know you can trust me.” He still had an attitude to that, treating me as though I was suspicious and untrustworthy. We got into the car and I realized all the things around us, the yoga, the holiday, all things raising my vibrations while he was down in the depths and I said “You just have such bad vibes sometimes” I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me.’

“he said he would take better care of himself“- when I read the boldfaced part for the first time you shared about it, my interpretation was that he was self-centered. He didn’t say that he would take better care of you!”

True. However he did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety, and never came across high, there were times I didn’t even know. Infact it was not until I lived with him that I saw how much, that almost every date he hit at least something before coming out. I felt betrayed when I first realized how he was constantly high, cause he didn’t seem it at all, his body is so used to it that he is very normal on it, infact I did not recognize him sober… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief. I have a lot of patience but his sober self caused me to run out sometimes, I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me. He claimed it prevented him from having dreams, later I understood that meant “thoughts and feelings.” more teflon. So anyways, when he said he would take better care of himself I was very on board with that and though that meant he would begin to be introspective, finally! but then I brought up the cash and c-word incident and he still couldn’t apologize, so then no he couldn’t be introspective? I do recall him saying he would take better care of himself so that he could be better in the relationship, but I don’t think this changes anything. This is what I meant when I said he would give crumbs that he could grown and learn.

“You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you.”

Feels true.

“- this guilt can be (I hope not) a reason for you to .. fly to his web and get entangled in it (again).”

I think you are right, it can be a reason. But the reason it won’t is because I can’t trust, that even if I fly back and he promises all the change in the world and maybe even seems like he can see me, I don’t trust that it wouldn’t go right back to the way it was after a matter of time. I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change, this is hard to admit because I feel stupid that I think that because all the evidence says he can’t. But as you said I did in the relationship, “You were alone at the top of that Maslow’s pyramid, imagining/ making believe that he was there with you” I am still this way. I have this imagination, this darn imagination that is wonderful but also let’s me see things that will never happen, and I can almost feel them too. I do not feed into it, because it feels stupid and unhelpful but I have to admit a very very small little sapling of an imagination that he could self actualize. There is so much evidence to the contrary that I don’t allow myself to put energy to that imagination, because it is as likely as my other imaginations, of flying! it is there but it also doesn’t bring me peace to feed into, it brings me bad feelings. I like to imagine things that bring me joy, so there is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again.

“- how do you know that he didn’t tell anyone before you? If your answer is that he told you so, uttering the words I never told anyone, then remember what he told you about how you should treat uttered words..”

I am fairly certain I am the only one he told because the story was very humiliating and incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable for him to share. He brought it up one morning when we were in bed because I could see his mind trail off and I asked him what was on his mind. He said for some reason this memory had been in his head and he’s avoided telling me but felt telling me was the only way to stop it from coming to him, he said he felt like he was suppose to tell me. Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship. Also after he told me he had emotions I could see and feel were very real, I could tell he was angry and wanted to run away in that moment and felt disgusted. I asked him what he was feeling and that is what he said, he said “honestly I want to run away.” which also aligns with his inability to sit and be vulnerable or deep for long periods of time, I often felt the energy from him that he wanted to leave the space immediately after a certain point. But you are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here, and if he wasn’t then I am a complete fool and don’t have the perceptive skills I thought I did.

” “why couldn’t he do it??”- did he try and found out that he couldn’t, or perhaps he didn’t try but uttered words, at times, that sounded like he tried…? “

He didn’t want to. I feel like there were moments where I inspired him to try, for example with learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within to the other parts of yourself that need attention. This was when we were at that cabin for his friends wedding, when I panicked about my outfit and he comforted me…we felt so close during that trip… (a good memory that contributes to the guilt that I ended it harshly) the last morning we were there was the perfect environment for a potential deep conversation. Like I said before they were few in our relationship but the moments he was more likely to open up a little bit, I could feel it. Being out in the middle of nowhere helped him open up a little, we sat on the doc and talked about our inner child. I related it to football and how his coaches pretty much told him to cage his, I told him about letting them out of the cage and he was responding with “ah” that he hadn’t heard it before and it didn’t sound wrong. But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation.

“- (1) you and .. you mean you and me? (2) this could be the beginning of your Influencing career: inviting people to dance with you online, on zoom…?”

This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!

Seaturtle