Dear Seaturtle:

“All those times he later said ‘oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,’ all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain“- he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.

“because what other reason could he have for all those things?“- no other reason.

“I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him….I will let this question sit in my mind right now ‘did I ever intentionally cause him pain?’“- even if you did on one or two occasions want him to feel pain and then saying or doing something with that purpose in mind, it doesn’t make you deserving of a lifetime of this being done to you. The solution is not punishment for you forever more, or even for another day, a week, or month (of resuming a relationship with him). The solution is for you to become more aware and a better and better person over time as far as your action is concerned.

This is my strategy in regard to myself. I am not a finished product: I am still becoming a better person, this is my intent and practice.

Remember that it’s not what we feel but what we do (speech and deeds) over time that makes us god or bad people.

“when he said ‘you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.‘”- reads manipulative to me.

“He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right?“- I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.

“The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination?“- yes, I think so.

“the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup“- I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).

I wrote to you: “from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you..”, and you responded: “This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

“This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me… I said ‘You just have such bad vibes sometimes’ I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me’“- I like that Post yoga, Thanksgiving inspired crown chakra vibration!

“He did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety…  he was constantly high… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief… I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me”-

– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.

“I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change“- he could, but what is the statistical chance of that happening.. 1%,  5%?

“There is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again“- I agree.

“I am fairly certain I am the only one he told…  Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship”- a handful of percentiles (1-5%) that he would change.

“You are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here“- there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.

“With learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within… (I) helped him open up a little… But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation“- imagine (or not) this being the theme of a lifetime with him…

“This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!”- don’t know if such exists… something to research perhaps…?

anita