Dear Anita,

I have been having a hard couple days, yesterday my brother told me that he texted N! I am very upset, but my brother is also not in his right mind, he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last thursday, he found himself “feeling bad for n.” I am super annoyed and just don’t trust anyone, especially since my sister got caught up texting him too, back on accident before she knew, asking him about christmas gifts. Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy for him, I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset.

Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere. His ghost was with my at trader joes as if he was seeing the girls I was and staring at them. Then I felt this odd thing, I was hyper aware that the men around me weren’t as attractive as N, and this lie flooded my head I won’t have someone as attractive again. These gross feelings have filled my evening yesterday, and my afternoon today. I feel shallow about these thoughts but they appear quite uninvited. Now I will reply to your post, but this is where my head is right now :/

“he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.”

I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain. What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking? or that he literally was lying to himself, he believed that it was a joke after lying to himself..?

“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”

Instead of giggle this almost makes me wish it was possible haha. Because I know my dad understands what N did wrong, whereas alot of the people around me.. I am not sure really understand. My mom seemed like she did until she started telling me “well maybe you will still end up together,,,,you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..” all tells me my mom has no idea. I think my dad maybe understands better because I think he can see him in N and knows what is really going on in his head, better than my mom anyways. Then my closest friend has surprised me in the past year as to where her vibration is… She often talks over me and I have not only noticed it myself but my roommate pointed it out and literally didn’t want to invite her to our new years cause she talks too much.. My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known eachother almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now.

” I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).”

This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. the fly out wit the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt.

“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.”

Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting. For example on a first date it feels strange to ask their deepest fears and fantasies, so I just wasn’t sure how long to wait for the crowns to align. Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom, this brought me alot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from.

“– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.”

So this is the reason I think I was able to put off our crown chakras aligning… Smoking lowers vibrations, and when I smoked with him we would be at more similar vibrations, so it compromised for not aligning in our pure and sober crown chakras. It was enough until it wasn’t, but it certainly postponed my needs, and I do not want this in a future relationship. I never want to smoke daily again. When we lived together I smoked more than I had ever before, and immediately after moving out I stopped naturally, not even craving it at all. It had become a bonding experience with him, I felt left out when he would go to that place without me, but he went so often. I did not know how serious the issue was until a year into the relationship, he hid it from me. As he hid his nicotine addiction because he temporarily quit while we first started dating. Then would have the vapes when we moved in and I Would find them, confused. He confessed how much he used it one time, but I know he lied about it after, withholding the truth anyways, his specialty. If I did not ask a specific question he would not be transparent about nicotine and weed. this  is helping me right now to recall these big negatives to n.

When you say ‘cannabis disorder’, what do you mean?

” there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.”

I laughed reading this because of how fitting it is to this scenario.

I am excited to give the idea of setting up an environment to dance with others more energy and attention.

Seaturtle