Dear Anita,

Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!

“These risk factors appear to decrease the average age for developing a mental illness and are attributed to an increased incidence of mental illness and increase the risk for development of a cannabis use disorder. Cannabis use is also associated with exacerbation of and possibly development of anxiety disorders and depressive disorders”

This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual. This is why I initially stopped, I stopped before moving out, although still tempted every once in a while. But I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety. In your more recent post you mention ” I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open..” As I also mentioned in my most recent reply I was taking care of many parts of myself in that time, by reading those books and going to the gym and taking long days in the gym to go to the spa facilities as well, I found lots of peace in the steam room (Seaturtle likes the humidity hah). So although I was smoking something destructive I was also doing things during the say to open my third eye, I believe that once I opened it, I could no longer unsee what it showed me. It is true what you say  “I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open.” What happened after I saw certain things, that I should move out, that N’s home was not good for me and nor was he for some reason. I stopped enjoying the effects of cannabis because it would only make me see what I saw when my third eye was open, see that I wasn’t in the right place, and it no longer brought me peace. More interesting is I smoked after that occasionally, knowing it would only make me anxious, but I kept thinking “maybe this time It will allow me to relax as it had before.” But no, something changed in me and I constantly wondered “why can’t I enjoy weed anymore? I used to enjoy it, it made me creative, and I felt relaxed, why suddenly do I not enjoy it?” I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself, and thanks to my third eye I ended the cycle. I still crave it at times, but it doesn’t relax me still today, I have with my roommate two or three times since living here and each time only enjoyed it partially, more than I did towards the end with N, but still not as much as I used to. I have to admit I do wish/hope in the future I will be able to enjoy it occasionally again, but very occasionally as I did before meeting N. Before him it was not often, it was a few times a year. Well other than it was consistent when my mom shared her thc vape with me when I was 18. a strange time I have not thought back on very much.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career. He played from 7 years old until he was 22. He played in high school, his position (i looked up once) is the most common to get hit in the back of the head. This was an issue in our relationship I had to hide my disapproval of the sport, honestly I find it stupid, the amount of injuries that the news hides, the girlfriends and wives that have tried to share their stores of a disease called CT, “Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is a brain condition thought to be linked to repeated head injuries and blows to the head.” (found on NHS.uk, first google search result). N told me about his fear of getting this disease, it was a joke amongst him and his football friends.., this bothered me, they would joke about losing their memories and going crazy.. it scared me. I did alot of research on the disorder one time and it scared me, it is early onset dementia and that is the most mild symptom ,wives of players said their husbands would show up at random places and not know how they got there, these men only being in their 40s, the youngest being only 17. After playing in highschool, N also played 4 years in college then another year he played for the national team, the Broncos. In this time he said he would have sleep paralysis, wake up and not be able to move. He often attributed alot of his mental strength to football, they taught him to get over his pain, this is where he gets his whole “words don’t matter” mantra. He would claim that nothing anyone said could affect him as much as he has gone through physically. I think this was his mindset anyways, it was hard to understand completely when he would talk about these things cause they were so far from my beliefs. But part of me admired his mental strength, He was able to endure lots of pain, something that perhaps I am too sensitive with so I thought he could balance me in this way. For example if it was too hot outside where we moved to lol, he taught me to not be anxious, to accept it, that the anxiety would make me hotter. He taught me to relax in pain, and in alot of ways I think I needed to hear what he said. On the dreams, he would tell me he would have very vivid dreams every night and it didn’t give him a restful sleep, so he would smoke to avoid dreams.

“What do you currently think about to N’s negatives when it comes to his regular daily, regular smoking weed (and vaping nicotine)?”

1-Although N does not take direct responsibility, when he smoked he would sort of get there. He did actually apologize for his behavior a couple times when he was high. Or we would be having an argument, he would smoke then come to my side on the argument… this was so destructive because it was these moments that made me feel he could self actualize, and I needed very little hope to allow the relationship to go on.

2-I also think it was negative that he smoked to avoid feelings/dreams. It allows you to ignore what your body and mind are telling you, and just promoted his teflon.

3-It also leads to eating badly, it makes you crave fast foods, and not only fast foods, but instant pleasures, like sex.

4-It was so dangerous when I started to want him to smoke.. for 1 and 3. He was more passionate when he smoked. He was more adhd sober, an aspect of him I didn’t even know until our second year of dating because he used weed to medicate it. his adhd stressed me out, he would move so quickly, talk faster, just give me anxiety. I wanted him to slow down in conversation and in sex and the weed did this. Since I wanted him to smoke sometimes, I didn’t ask him to stop, I didn’t tell him to. Since I wanted it sometimes I didn’t feel like I could ask him to stop smoking, cause I felt hypocritical, I felt in a bind of having to just accept it as part of him.

on vaping nicotine,

1- I worried for his health. physically, his lungs and I could see it in his eyes and I could almost taste the nicotine in his skin…

2- I worried for his mental health. I could tell he was ashamed of it, he felt badly about himself when he smoked it, so promoting his self disapproval making him then act out of his own self hate manifesting itself as rudeness towards me. After being noticeably mean once I literally told him if he is mean to himself he will inevitably be mean to me. Hurt people hurt people. This was a new concept to him and what, i think, led him to say he would take care of himself more, for us, at the last dinner we had.

3- combination of mental and physical health, I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit alot of these things in order for me not to know, he told me this, and I beleiev it because I remember him starting to look younger that year, from the first time I met him to the end of the first year he literally looked 10 years younger, partially cause of his 24 hr shifts at his dads company…. but also those substances.

“I am wondering, remembering his talk about a future where he would stay home and you will be out working, bringing in the money, those were his serious thoughts/ a plan for the relationship..? And in materializing this plan, he’d stay home smoking weed all day..?”

I think so. I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well even if one of them hit their head cause he was smoking, something like this. Since he hid smoking from me in the first place there is no way he would admit to smoking and losing track of a child. Maybe children would change him, I thought… but that is an awful big risk to take.

Seaturtle