Dear Anita,

“How about your roommate  going with you.. to get it over with, like she said, when the time is right for you?”

That would be helpful, I feel like, to sort of buffer the energy, if she is willing. The big question is when, should I get it over with or wait for more time to be between us, for the emotional intensity to lessen. What if thinking I saw him in that truck behind me, and that heart stop feeling I had, was a sign that I wasn’t ready to see him yet.

” in many cases, as in mine, a parent is the worst crown chakra predator (CCP)  one is to meet in a lifetime.”

Well this is a relief, and seems true as long as one doesn’t move backwards in growth and want to self sabotage, which clearly I am consciously trying to move the opposite direction. So it makes sense I will only get a better partner(s) in the future, because I am getting better.

“Coming to think about it, N- the spider (to the fly,  shark (to the sea turtle), mountain lion (to the deer)- has been your CCP, hasn’t he?”

Her certainly was a CCP, however he wasn’t worse than my father. I think actually that he was better than F, just enough to where I thought he was a good partner. Now I have a lot of relationship red flags that I know to look for, that I didn’t know to look for before/when I met N. All I knew were my dads red flags, the ones that I could see anyways. My dad had such extreme ones, for example:

-when I lost my virginity, at 17, I naively told my mom trusting her when she said she would keep it between us. She told him of course. When I got home that night he literally told me “Do you know how much you’ve narrowed down your future partners by doing this?” He said more but that was the one phrase that I will always remember. I do not believe he would respond this way now, he has become more aware of society outside of his judgemental christian upbringing since then, also he is not one to talk about dating advice at all…

-He treated me like I was a bad kid when I wasn’t. Just accused me of things I didn’t do, and judged my intentions behind pretty much everything. Didn’t see me at all.

-As far as money went, with school/the car/medical things, he made approaching him so difficult, he was manipulative and held things over my head that shouldn’t be held over a child. He believed I was entitled for assuming the smallest things from a father.

-He made fun of things I liked/ liked to do.

Anyways, my point is, F was my worst CCP, believe it or not N was an upgrade from him, which is why I think I put him on a pedestal for so long. Ending things with N, was sort of like how I felt when I moved out of F’s house.. Things I do for me that I forgot about, and the things I was only doing for him to see… And for both of them, when I first left their home I released this enormous backpack of responsibility to wonder what they were thinking/feeling and how I could solve it (although with N it was how can we solve it, an upgrade cause he communicated more than my dad, not saying much but an upgrade can be small). When you wrote, “you sped away from him, prey running away from predator,” that is interesting, there is definitely part of my nervous system that sees him as a threat, is “afraid.” Although I am not sure how much this is wanting to run from a predator, versus not wanting to run into an ex ever, because of that gut wrenching awkwardness.

“Maybe it is more accurate to say that he preyed on your heart chakra, making his way up to your crown chakra?”

I do have a big heart, I know this about myself. My ability to empathize can be too much, which is why I do not watch certain movies… N would judge me for this, he thought it was a weakness to not be able to stick it out, but I didn’t want to…and I didn’t have to for any good reason so why? My capacity to love is intense, I am very thoughtful when I love someone, this was something I wished to have in return from N. In gifts/date night ideas, honestly anything, as much as making my bed for me…something I always did for him because I knew it made him a little warmer inside that day. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t do the little things for me too, then you just have two vibrating and warm heart chakras! amazing! but no, it was one sided, so yes in this way he was a predator to my heart chakra, mainly only taking from it. When I tried to bring it up, like “you know if you did …. it would mean SO much to me.” But he would then make me feel badly for even mentioning it, like I didn’t accept him the way he was…which I guess is what it was! Little did I know he literally didn’t know how, he wanted me to accept that he just “didn’t know how,” which I accepted as an excuse for a while until I realized he didn’t even want to try to learn, for me…that is true love.

“The part of us that loves them is the soft flesh they bite into. A sea turtle has a shell for that reason. We must be strong and wise in this strange world of ours.”

When I first sought therapy at 17, I thought I needed to vent about my mom, after she broke up the marriage, and was the more obvious wrong doer. But what caught me by surprise, was my several years in therapy were 80% about F. Those things I listed above, I believe I have healed from, at least a good amount. I have not truly dug into my mom, M, what her impact on me was… When I first read the bolded line above that you wrote, I thought of M. When I was home for Christmas, my sisters and I had a “Sister Disney Day,” planned, hahah our thing. Anyways my mom tried so many times to guilt us for it, She gets VERY possessive of our time around Christmas. Although she works every day, but two that she takes off for our Christmas eve and day with her. That disney day was not planned on one of those days, but she drank wine and literally cried about it to us. What I learned that night: I felt bad for her… but both of my younger sisters rolled their eyes at her… my youngest sister literally annoyed at her, being almost rude like telling her to stop it, actually not rude now that I think about it. M then went to bed,. I needed something from her room, but before I went up my youngest sister said “just don’t let her sway you.” I was like “what do you mean?” and she said “well you know mom usually convinces you to feel bad for her.” This was eye opening to me, was my mom emotionally manipulating me?? YES. I then went upstairs, keeping this mind, an ah-ha moment if you will. When I walked in she got very emotional (wine emotional). I was aware of her “tears” THE FAKE TEARS I HAVE WITNESSED! No wonder I believed N’s little tears were genuine, I have been tricked my whole life, been confused on how to spot real ones… I stayed strong and said “mom you know what we have had this planned it is not fair of you to be making us feel guilty about it,” I could tell she was surprised by my lack of empathy for her, she sort of snapped out of THAT manipulation tactic, and tried another one, trying to make me feel bad for her that she made us feel bad.. .Like she was then crying because she “felt bad” that we “thought” she was trying to guilt us. It was so eye opening, I saw it all with my third eye, just un-phased emotionally by her, yay! what a release. I got my things and left, saying a kind goodnight.

I will respond to your next message in another response since this one seems long.

Aware Seaturtle