Dear Aware Seaturtle:

“I will respond to your next message in another response since this one seems long“- it is easier for me to respond to shorter posts, and I think the same is true to you, so I will keep my replies shorter as well.

“The big question is when, should I get it over with or wait for more time to be between us, for the emotional intensity to lessen“- it is up to you, of course. Seems to me (and I may be wrong) that unless you get emotionally attached to another man and have a sense of safety in this future relationship, you might react intensely to seeing N again no matter how much time goes by.

“He certainly was a CCP, however he wasn’t worse than my father. I think actually that he was better than F, just enough to where I thought he was a good partner…“- my mother was the biggest CCP of any and all people I came across in my life, a HCP and a CCP. I have to be careful to not project her into other people and see her in them when they are not as bad as her. Again, no one in my personal life even came close.

“He (F)  treated me like I was a bad kid when I wasn’t. Just accused me of things I didn’t do, and judged my intentions behind pretty much everything“- reminds me of the cash incident when N accused you of doing something you didn’t do and judged you for intentions you didn’t have, suggesting that.. you are a bad person.

I thought about it earlier: maybe he was paranoid on that day, didn’t smoke enough weed and was on edge.. maybe forgivable,  a fluke but what is not forgivable that later when confronted with the incident he lied and said he was joking and wouldn’t budge over time, weed or not. The latter brings his behavior to the gaslighting level.

“Anyways, my point is, F was my worst CCP, believe it or not N was an upgrade from him”- I believe you.

“I am not sure how much this is wanting to run from a predator, versus not wanting to run into an ex ever, because of that gut wrenching awkwardness“- can you define or explain what I boldfaced (sometime, no rush)

Coming to think about it, I need to get ready to leave to the 18 degrees cold outside. I will read and reply (got your second post a little while ago) Sat morning.

Before I go, from the 2nd post: “It is just hard for me to accept that everything was N’s fault, that seems like a slippery slope, I must have done some bad too right?“- right, yes, surely. I used to struggle with this a LOT. It took me a long time to endure the fact that I did wrongs and hurt people, and understand that becoming a mentally/ emotionally healthier person equals becoming a better and better person. We live in a world where emotional sickness and hurting people is rampant and massive, no wonder .. no wonder we are all (almost all..?.) hurt people who hurt other people. This state of the world is not a license to do bad, of course. It’s just that we have to look at the bigger picture with that 3rd eye and process it with a vibrating crown chakra. I’ll write more tomorrow,

anita