Dear Anita,

“Seems to me (and I may be wrong) that unless you get emotionally attached to another man and have a sense of safety in this future relationship, you might react intensely to seeing N again no matter how much time goes by.”

I wonder why this is? Can I not develop this safety within myself?

“my mother was the biggest CCP of any and all people I came across in my life, a HCP and a CCP. I have to be careful to not project her into other people and see her in them when they are not as bad as her. Again, no one in my personal life even came close.”

Did it take trial and error with partners before you were able to find one that met your standards? For me I feel my parents set such low standards, low enough to where I thought N belonged on a pedestal.

“reminds me of the cash incident when N accused you of doing something you didn’t do and judged you for intentions you didn’t have, suggesting that.. you are a bad person.”

I was reminded of this as well. I even thought maybe I was projecting F on N, the big question while I was still with N, was asking myself is he like F or am I projecting..

“I thought about it earlier: maybe he was paranoid on that day, didn’t smoke enough weed and was on edge.. maybe forgivable,  a fluke but what is not forgivable that later when confronted with the incident he lied and said he was joking and wouldn’t budge over time, weed or not.”

I think this is exactly what it was actually! Because it was Thanksgiving day and when we were eventually home preparing for dinner, there were a couple things I needed from his house, like my mixing bowls for cupcakes! I decided I could make other bowls work, but then N jumped at the opportunity to go run home, an hour round trip. I honestly didn’t hesitate much because his energy was not good anyways. But then when he made it back here he freaking forgot the mixing bowls…. like the main reason he went home. I was annoyed, and thought to myself ‘he probably went home just so that he could smoke, since I don’t have weed here, he must of smoked before getting what we needed and it caused him to forget.’ It was hard for me to forgive actually, when it is because of the weed I honestly had less sympathy, like think ahead then? pack first?? But yes, the cash was likely because he was already on edge, but claiming he was joking was just the biggest lie, lie to himself, and lack of responsibility or desire to figure out why he was behaving this way.

“that gut wrenching awkwardness“- can you define or explain what I boldfaced (sometime, no rush)“

It is more like nervousness mixed with awkwardness. So imagine something you have been nervous for, for me it was right before a track meet in highschool, I was so nervous my stomach was in knots. So this feeling mixed with awkwardness, where you don’t know what you are going to say, it was unplanned, who will speak first, don’t say the wrong thing and accidentally show weakness… I think I fear seeing his face. Even as I broke up with him, I couldn’t look into his eyes, because it made me want to change my mind and hug him, give him my empathy.

“no wonder we are all (almost all..?.) hurt people who hurt other people.”

At first this gave me the fear of, will all relationships be more hurtful than being single? will I never find a healed person? But Then my next thought was I don’t need a healed person I only want someone who is trying to be better, healing. This exists right? I feel like I need the confirmation at this moment haha.

I am responding to each of your messages in separate boxes.

Seaturtle