Dear Anita,

in response to your final post,

“But let’s say that your motivation was to redirect his attention away from your lie: could you accept that you, Seaturtle, were not a perfect specimen back then.. and never will be one? Accept this while continuing to become (a process) a better and better human being?”

Yes I can accept that. I feel like actually I would be more uncomfortable thinking I was perfect, because if I am then how can I get better? I enjoy being inspired to be better, and for that reason I believe, learned to find joy when I discover something I did wrong, so that I can look inside and discover something knew about myself! Also, it is hard to accept certain things when they are particularly embarrassing, or just really don’t resonate with you… but the cool cycle is that if you keep your mind open to hear your mistakes and correct them along the way, it is much easier than shutting them down and then getting so far from who you are, that you are unfamiliar with your truest self.. my nightmare!

“– Having witnessed M’s manipulative tears aimed at disarming F while not changing her own wrong behaviors, you didn’t and you don’t want to be like her, so you question your own tears.. M took away from you the privilege of simply crying.“

Wow I love this insight. Doubting my own tears… that is very sad. So then when I had those tears, when talking with F about intense things, usually such as money or the “housecleaning” meetings where he would list how I had shown my ungratefulness… those tears, what did they mean?

“-the other side of the story is that you tried to make N someone who he is not, so to get what you validly need in a relationship, all along thinking that it’d benefit him as well if he was.. someone who he is not. Your error is in doing this for too long, and so, in totality, you have hurt yourself and you didn’t help him, maybe you made him feel worse about himself than he felt before you being in his life.”

I could see this being true, in many ways. Sad he will blame me for feeling worse about himself now, when I guess it is technically my fault for shining light on parts of him that he did not like.

“If this is what happened, you have to forgive yourself because you weren’t aware back then.”

You know what Anita, I have had the sense recently that I need to forgive myself in some ways for things in the relationship, and I have been trying to discover what they are, and this is certainly one! So far I had just come up with forgiving myself for not starting work earlier… despite his words, I think I knew I was pushing it as far as how long it was taking me to find a job that I wanted to be at. I look back and I wonder if I could have sped up the process if I put more energy into it, but I need to forgive myself, knowing I did not have the energy, or I would have done so. Trying to change him/us, took up that energy. So he was double suffering, had someone he loved trying to change him and not having a partner contribute to rent. I wonder, how do I forgive myself?

 “You saw N through their eyes, not through your 3rd eye. So, you tried to make it work.”

Exactly, I saw him through everyone’s eyes, cause I needed help, I needed more eyes, and by the time mine opened I ended the relationship the next day. That day I remember just seeing a different person infront of me all the sudden, as I put it in an earlier post ‘my rose colored glasses were suddenly removed.’

“So, in the future, see a man through your 3rd eye and if he is not what you need, let him go.”

I need to strengthen this third eye before getting involved in other relationships, because right now my sacral and heart are way more developed, and make more decisions than my third eye.

“you have 3 options: (1) to stay with him and ask no questions (hatchling/ Seaturtle in a cage), (2) stay with him and keep asking questions, and getting infuriated, (3) having mercy on the two of you, wishing him well and existing the relationship.”

Exactly and I exhausted 1 and 2, and it was very taxing on my well-being.

“The 3rd option is the empathetic and crown chakra’s fueled answer, both heart and crown chakras vibrating in unison.”

What is the hearts role in this?

“It occurred to me a long time ago, by the way, that maybe part of his attraction to you was that your father is financially well off, maybe rich…?”

Interesting question, because he did like my dad. He took advantage when we were on vacation with him to ask him financial advice. My dad is very intelligent, and he soaked up what my dad taught him like a sponge, an equally enjoyable conversation between them though, because my dad loves to teach, especially to someone who is really listening. I honestly enjoyed it too, I love to watch when two people I introduce get along, it vibrates my heart chakra. And I was glad N was asking him good questions, I wanted N to be successful. Now I am not sure I can say the same though…I never want N to feel like he could say to me “told you so.” But I know that is not my job to teach him a lesson, or wish it upon him, but I do want him to receive his Karma, not just that thought I want him to know why he is getting Karma, but that is just wishful thinking.

I wrote: “he worked 10pm-5pm the next day! He worked 20 hour shifts back to back, he slept in his truck… I sort of rescued him, I showed him how ridiculous it was , he told me, after he quit that I am the one that got him out. He was in a loop and I showed genuine concern and showed him” and you responded: “you helped to work fewer hours, for one. Good thing.”

After I read this I thought back to what you said “maybe you made him feel worse about himself than he felt before you being in his life.” Although this may still be true, if he allows him to think about it he could be still working for his dad suffering back home, instead I advised him out of there and to move to AZ with me, where he bought a home (before he met me he was looking to buy in WA) but now he has a home here and started a business with his friend who lives here. Our relationship certainly guided him to better places whether he wants to admit it or not.

Haha I think sarcasm can be fun at times, but it usually does not working over messaging, unless you just expect it from someone. And perhaps time for a new computer? I started copying my messages before hitting send and it has saved me from having to re type responses!

I hope you have a happy Saturday Anita 🙂

Seaturtle